If you’ve living on your own you’ll agree that there is a seemingly endless amount of housework to do. The bathroom does not stay clean for very long. The floors get so dirty. One can only delay doing laundry for so long. And the dishes! They just never end!

Over the years we’ve figured a few things out about how to make sure the housework is done without killing each other – here are a few tips:

1) Play to Strengths

The amazing thing about marrying someone who is different from you is that they are better than you are certain things. It makes sense to play to each other’s strengths, and let the person with more interest and skill handle a particular task. For example, Olive is a much better cook than I am (though I am not terrible). She also has a passion for healthy eating. So she does the majority of the cooking for us. I am more interested in money and better at numbers than my wife, so I handle all the bills and finances in our household.

2) Who Hates it More?

With some chores that no one really likes doing (or is particularly good at), it comes down to who dislikes the chore more. Olive really doesn’t like going outside to throw out the trash. I don’t particularly like it either, but she hates it more. So this is a chore that I end up doing.

3) When to Hire Someone to Help

In certain circumstances it makes sense to hire someone else to help. This is true for tasks that neither of us are able to do (like cleaning the ducts in the house), or would take us too much time and energy to do. Sundays are the one-day of the week that Olive and I put aside to rest and have fun – so we try to minimize the work we do on that day. Instead of cooking for ourselves, we will eat out or do take-out. We are basically hiring people to cook for us that day so we can save our time and energy to enjoy the day. When both my parents worked full-time, they used to hire someone to come in for 3 hours a day to shop for groceries, cook dinner, and do a little cleaning. This saved them time and energy after work so they could spend it with their children and each other.

4) Do it Together (it’s more fun)

Sometimes it’s more fun to do chores together than apart. Rather than my wife doing the laundry and me doing the dishes separately, we can do both together. It gives us time to be with each other and makes the tasks go by quicker.

When it comes to housework, remember to compliment and thank each other for work that is done. Don’t take what the other person does for granted. I try very hard to remember to thank my wife for every meal she cooked. Also, be flexible. When your spouse goes through a season of busyness, stress, or sickness, help them out with their chores (i.e. when Olive was very pregnant with our daughter, I tried to do most of the housework). And lastly, have as much fun as you can. Make it a competition. Reward each other. Sing and dance while working. Be creative and do whatever you can do to enjoy the mundane things in life.

How do you divide the housework in your marriage?

PS- If you want to read more of our thoughts on marriage and parenting, our books are now available in print!

photo credit: Zeal Harris

Olive and I are very excited to announce the arrival of hard copies of our books, Fight With Me and Then Came The Baby! There’s just something very different about holding the actual print copy of a book (compared to reading the ebook version on a laptop, tablet, or smartphone). Even more exciting is that these hard copies are now available for you, our readers!

Want to get your own hard copy of our books? You have three options. I’ll list them out first and explain them in more detail below: a) Order online from Create Space or, b) Order online from Amazon, or c) Pick them up in person.

OPTION A: Order online from Create Space

Create Space is a great online print-on-demand company (owned by Amazon) that allows you to order as many or as few copies of the book as you want and will ship to wherever you are in the world. We are excited to offer our blog readers a special Pay What You Can pricing on both of our books if you buy from Create Space. Since our heart is to help as many people as possible with our writing, we don’t want cost to be a prohibiting factor for anyone. That said, we also want to allow those who have found value in our writing to support our work. So you can buy our book at cost or if you feel like it’s worth more, you can pay a little extra. To get the Pay What You Can price, simply decide which price you want to pay for the book and apply the appropriate coupon code as listed below. Please note, with Create Space, you will need to pay shipping separately.

Here are the Pay What You Can prices for our books with Create Space:

Fight With Me (click on link to order):
$4 – our cost to print this book (Coupon code: JJ5Z7QSV)
$6 (Coupon code: P556AWCA)
$8 (Coupon code: J4ZKLMM4)
$10 (No code required)

Then Came The Baby (click on link to order):
$6 – our cost to print this book (Coupon code: JRF84CRS)
$9  (Coupon code: JZPUCSCM)
$12 (Coupon code: EHRAWKEM)
$15 (No code required)

OPTION B: Order online from Amazon 

If you aren’t particular about the price of our books and would rather get free shipping, or if you have other things you want to buy online, Amazon is the route to go. Both Fight With Me ($10) and Then Came The Baby ($15) qualify for the FREE Super Saver Shipping (free shipping on orders over $25). (Click on links to order from Amazon). When you buy from Amazon, $4 and $6 respectively goes to the “Allie Chan Food Fund”.

OPTION C: Pick up in person

If you are in Toronto, Hong Kong, or Vancouver, you can pre-order the books and pick them up from us. Why these 3 cities? Well, it’s because we’ll be visiting Toronto and Hong Kong this year and hosting a Meet and Greet in both cities (and of course, we live near Vancouver, so you can come visit us or we can visit you and drop off the book in person). All of our friends, family, and blog readers (who we consider our extended family) are invited to come!

Here are the details:
TORONTO: Saturday, June 1st from 2-6pm in Markham (please RSVP on the Facebook invite or by email).
HONG KONG: Sometime between August 14-19th. Email us and we’ll send you the details.
VANCOUVER: All year round. You can come see us anytime (except for when we’re in Toronto and Hong Kong, obviously).

To pre-order books, fill in the form at the bottom of the page, and we will specially reserve copies of the books for you to come pick up. (Don’t worry, you won’t have to pay first, and if you change your mind later, it’s okay. We just want to make sure we have ENOUGH books for everyone that wants one.) You can Pay What You Can for these books (our costs are $3 for Fight With Me and $4 for Then Came The Baby – it was cheaper because we bought in bulk).

Pre-order form: (If you don’t see the form below, click HERE to access the form directly.)

Happy reading!

Our church community praying for us at Allie’s baby dedication.

First, we are dedicating Alena to God. 

It is an act of surrender, acknowledging that Allie’s life belongs to God first and foremost, and that Allie is a gift from God. It is an act of faith, trusting in God’s loving kindness to provide everything that Allie needs for her life. And it is an act of prayer, asking for God’s guidance, favour and blessing for us as parents in raising Allie to become who God created her to be.

Second, it is an invitation to our church community to join us in raising Allie.

There’s the age-old saying that it takes a village to raise a child – we believe this to be true. We also believe that it takes a village to raise parents – we, as new parents, have many things to learn and many ways to grow and mature. A significant part of the “village” that we want to have in raising Allie and us is our church community, Heritage Mountain Community Church (a church in Port Moody).

Yesterday morning at the Sunday service, we asked our church community to join us in raising Allie. We told them that we would be honoured to have their support and encouragement, and that we believed that the church is one way God shows his loving kindness to our daughter and our family. It is our hope that Allie, and also Olive and I, will grow up in community, that we can be shaped and influenced by our family and friends who love us. And that in turn, we will enrich their lives as well.

We then shared with them a couple excerpts from our book about first-time parenting, which reflect our hope and heart for Allie. Those excerpts are below:

(From Chapter 7, Hopeful: What Should We Name this Little One?)

The meaning of Alena (pronounced a-LAY-nah) was “light.” Our hope was that our daughter would be a light in the world, shining in times of darkness, difficulty or confusion. [In giving her the middle name Joy,] we hoped that she would be a person full of joy, to have a deep, lasting joy that was more than the happiness that was dependent on circumstances. Our hope was that Alena’s joy would come from God and would not fade… Her chinese name consisted of two characters. The first was “Yun,” meaning “joy from the heart.” The second was “Chi,” which, in the scriptures referred to God’s loving kindness.

(From Chapter 13, Love: The Most Important Thing)

If there is only one thing I manage to teach my child, I want it to be this: that she is deeply loved. The extent to which she understands this truth is the extent to which she can live in fullness and freedom.

I want her to know that she is enough. That her life matters. I want her to be so sure of her own value that she can accept both her strengths and weaknesses and she doesn’t need to prove anything. Then she can have compassion for herself and compassion for others.

So I pray to this end and I parent to this end. I try to tell her as often as I can, through words and actions, that I love her. But where it truly begins is within my own self; I first need to know that I am fully loved.

After we shared our hearts, a friend of ours came forward to read several scriptural blessings for Alena. Then our church community responded by gathering around us to pray for and with us. It was a sacred moment, being surrounded by people (many of whom we have only met recently) who physically showed their support for us as a family and trusted God along with us in prayer.

Last year when we moved, one of our main prayers was for God to provide us with a faith community that our family could grow up with. Yesterday was a tangible expression of God’s answer to our prayer. That Allie’s baby dedication happened on Mother’s Day was all the more meaningful – a bonus gift for me.

The first time Tim allowed me to see his depression, I was shocked. We had gotten married in the midst of my own recovery from burnout so I had come into the marriage thinking I was the one who needed mending. I hadn’t realized that he also walked with a limp. He hadn’t really mentioned it while we were dating or engaged (mostly out of fear and partly because he hadn’t come to terms with it himself yet), so when he told me he was fighting depression, and that he had recurring bouts of it, I was surprised.

Covered | Acrylic on Canvas | 8″ x 10″ | by Olive Chan

Living with a sick person is challenging. Living with a person whose illness not visible is even more challenging. Without warning, it feels like someone swaps the healthy, hard working man I married for a lethargic, tired and unmotivated one. And then, just as suddenly, one day he feels better. As glad as I am to have my happy husband back, it is still maddening.

One of the big challenges of living with a depressed person is dealing with my own impatience. “When will this end?” is frequently on my heart. I want to “fix” his problems, to ask the right question that might illuminate his soul and draw him out of the slump, to solve the mystery of what it is that weighs him down so that he can live lightly and freely again. I have to continually remind myself that time is the main ingredient for healing and that the most helpful thing I can do is simply accompany him in the process.

Having experienced moderate depression myself, I’ve learned that sometimes what a depressed person needs is permission to rest, to feel blue, to sleep and to stop trying to push himself so hard. So I try to be compassionate and give my husband space to be.

Each time his depression comes, I face certain fears: my husband wants extra time to rest and reflect, but am I coddling him and making matters worse by letting him sleep and spend hours on the couch? On the flip side, am I asking too much of him if I expect him to do the dishes, for example? If I pick up the slack around the house, would he feel like I am trampling over his sense of dignity? What I fear most is that he would slip deeper and deeper into despair. That I’d lose him forever.

There is also the matter of wanting to know what is going on in his mind and heart yet also giving him space. I feel uncertain about how much he wants to talk. I’ve learned to be gentle in broaching the topic and open-handed in how long each conversation might last. It’s hard not to press him for answers or explanations because I’m afraid the negative voices will skew his perspective and cause him to make irrational choices. But I’ve learned to trust the process, to make sure he knows I love and support him, and to act on the belief that kindness, rather than force, is a more effective motivator for him to open up to me. I’ve learned, too, that I need to encourage him to pay attention to what is going on inside of him, because one of the gifts depression brings is the opportunity for self-reflection and spiritual development. Sometimes this means prompting him to seek help from a professional.

Being the wife of a depressed man feels pretty lonely at times. Not everyone understands the nature of the illness. And not everyone knows how to respond helpfully. I want to always speak well of my husband so I have to carefully choose who I can confide in. Not that we want to pretend that everything is OK or that we’re perfect. Far from it. But there’s only so much explaining you want to do; and only so many well-intentioned pieces of advice you can take. So I’ve learned to keep silent about it to most people, save for a few trusted friends.

It’s pretty draining having to be the one to keep things going. I often feel just as tired but I don’t have the option of curling up in bed or lying on the couch all day. It takes energy to keep hoping. To keep reminding myself that depression does not define the man I married. To remember that depression is a visitor who will eventually leave. Buying flowers for myself is one small way I find solace from the unrelenting demands.

In the times when my husband is sad and tired from living, I sometimes wish someone would drop by with a meal, or offer to take me out for a coffee. Even a text message or an email one-liner would lift my spirits. I long to know that we are being thought of and prayed for. I long to know that we are not alone.

The most insightful analogy we’ve heard about living with someone with depression is that it’s like sitting with them in the dark, waiting together for the sun to rise. That’s what I try to do for my husband whenever depression visits. As his wife, it would make a world of a difference to know that someone is waiting with me, too.

PS – If you’d like more resources on helping people with mental health challenges, here are a few:
Canadian Mental Health Association
Sanctuary Mental Health Ministries
A Prayer for Mental Health - a blog post by Stacey Gleddiesmith
How Do I Help a Hurting Friend? - a book by Rod Wilson [affiliate link]
Unmasking Male Depression - a book by Dr. Archibald Hart [affiliate link]

When I first met Depression, I hated it right away.

I hated how it took away my hope.
I hated how it made me want to hide from the world.
I hated how it made me sad.
I hated how it sapped up all my energy, and made me feel weary and exhausted.
I hated how it left me feeling helpless.
I hated how nothing I did could make it go away.
I hated how it made me hate myself and made me want to die.

Depression was an intruder that slowly destroyed the life that I loved. Depression was my enemy who was slowly killing me from the inside out.

And then it would leave. And I was able to enjoy life again. It felt great to have energy and hope, to look forward to seeing people, and to laugh and have fun. I missed all these things. And for those months, I would forget the dark days when Depression was with me.

Then, unannounced, it would barge back into my life. Sometimes it stayed two months. The longest it was with me was six months. During my 20s, it haunted me a total of six times.

During Depression’s fifth visit, I was so desperate that I finally admitted to my mentor what was happening. He recommended that I read a book written by Parker Palmer called Let Your Life Speak [affiliate link], in which the author shared about his own experience with depression. In the book Palmer asked the question, “What if you were able to treat depression like a friend that brought you gifts instead of an enemy that was trying to hurt you?”

What?! How could I befriend something so vile, something so terrible? I wondered. It was impossible. I hated Depression. It was evil and dark. It had hurt me so much.

But the question lingered in my mind for days and weeks.

I’m not sure what changed my mind – maybe it was my desperation or maybe it was God, but I finally decided to give my relationship with Depression a chance. And when I did something amazing slowly happened.

I started by treating Depression like a guest instead of an intruder. I introduced Depression to my wife, to my closest friend, and to my counselor. Instead of hiding from him, I spent time getting to know him.

What happened over time was that as I was kinder to Depression, I was also kinder to myself. I was able to start accepting the fact that when Depression visited I would have less energy, less motivation, and feel wearier. I was able to start extending myself grace for being less productive at work and at home during that season.

As I started to embrace him, I realized that Depression had actually brought gifts for me.

One gift he delivered was the realization that my value was not tied to my productivity. Though my work results suffered when Depression visited, I was able to stop beating myself up about it. Instead of feeling guilty and worthless for not working well, I learned to value myself apart from my productivity. Then I was able to start valuing others apart from their productivity (or lack thereof), their possessions, their looks, and even their personality.

Another gift Depression brought was the ability to be vulnerable. At first, it was my closest family and friends that I introduced Depression to, not knowing if they would think less of me or not. Then I was able to blog about it and share my experience with Depression online. Last spring, I spoke to a crowd of a hundred people, sharing with them what Depression felt like. Because I was able to be vulnerable, I was also able to help others.

To be honest, I’m not looking forward to Depression’s next visit. I am still afraid of him and how he affects me. But next time he visits, I will spend more time with him, and perhaps, in time I can call him my friend.

Note: Thank you for those of you that have asked how I am doing. My last episode of depression was in the spring of 2011, and I have not experienced any symptoms since then.

[This is a guest post I originally wrote for The Good Men Project]

Photo credit: *_Abhi_*

Here are 5 ways having a baby strengthened our marriage:

1. Forced us to grow up

Caring for an infant required us to address our selfishness and immaturity. When it was just my husband and me, I could ignore him sometimes and he could fend for himself. But my baby was completely dependent on me so I didn’t have the luxury of simply ignoring her when I wanted to do something for myself. As I became less selfish of a mother, I was also challenged to become less selfish as a wife.

2. Developed the rare quality of longsuffering

Longsuffering is mostly thought of as an outdated word these days. In older translations of the Bible, it’s listed as one of the nine fruits of the Spirit. Most modern translations use the word “patience,” but when applied to the intense challenge of the first year of being parents, “longsuffering” is truly a more accurate word. As first-time parents, we had to learn to suffer with each other through the seemingly endless nights.

3. Gave us a common challenge to conquer

When soldiers return from the battlefield, they share a deep bond because of all they’ve experienced together. Caring for an infant is similar to doing battle. It requires teamwork and mutual encouragement to push through the hard times and to be on the lookout for each other’s well-being. Our love and respect for each other grew as we worked through conflicts and learned together how to be parents.

4. Gifted us with a common person to love

Our baby became a recipient of both of our affections. Watching her grow gave us a common cause for celebration. She was someone we could both be super excited about. We found ourselves swapping stories with each other at the end of the day, recounting all the cute, funny, gross and amazing things our daughter did. Before we had her, we connected in many ways already. But with her arrival, we had an extra special point of connection between us as husband and wife.

5. Made us desperate for God’s strength

There were countless moments when both of us were completely exhausted and the baby wouldn’t stop crying that my only solace was to turn to God for help. I knew that on my own, I didn’t have the strength to endure. Parenting brought me to the end of my limits over and over again. It reminded me that every breath I take and every day that I make it through is all because God’s grace carries me. In the same way, if our marriage is to be sustained over the long haul, it too will be solely by God’s grace.

If you are a parent, how has having a baby grown your marriage?

photo credit: Vivian Chen [陳培雯]

Personal readiness is one of the factors in God’s timing, but it’s not the only factor. There certainly are times when we have some growing up to do before what we hope for will actually be good for us. For example, I prayed for a boyfriend when I turned 16. Was I ready for one then? No. I hadn’t the slightest clue what dating relationships were really about and I didn’t have the personal maturity to know what type of person I should date. It just seemed like a cool thing to have in my life.

But using “readiness” as a condition to be met is particularly unhelpful way of thinking about how God answers prayer. I didn’t start dating until I was 25 years old. In the sometimes agonizing nine years between when I first prayed for a boyfriend and when I finally had one, I remember thinking every birthday, “How ready do I need to be? Am I ready this year?”

After Tim and I got married and we started trying for a baby, I came up against the same line of reasoning. “God will give you a baby when you’re ready.” Hm, really? I wondered. What about our friends who had honeymoon babies? They must have been super ready. Or I must be flawed. Something must be missing in my own character if I’m not ready yet.

It was in the midst of waiting for our first child that it dawned on me: IT’S ABOUT MORE THAN ME.

God will give you what you ask for when the time is right. The right time may be sooner than you think. The right time may be never (a difficult thought, but sometimes true). You may be ready for years or you may not be “ready” in the way you think you ought to be. God, in His enormous wisdom and love, takes all things into consideration when He acts. From my perspective, waiting eight long months to become pregnant felt rather unnecessary. But who am I to say that there wasn’t a greater reason for my child to be born eight months “later” than when I had hoped?

It isn’t easy to hold what we long for with open hands. I struggle with it daily. However, knowing that God’s timing is based on more than my personal readiness takes a lot of pressure off and gives me perspective.

It’s about more than me. Kind of changes the way we see our circumstances, doesn’t it?

1) Why do you describe marriage as a mess?

Because when you get married you have to change. Period. Regardless of race, religion, age, economic status, or anything else. You’re living intimately with another person. Your quirks will annoy them. Your habits will be different than their habits. Your families will have different expectations and ways of doing things. Your pasts will end up being triggers for each other. Your faults will cause pain. Your fears will become tension points. Even your strengths can become areas of friction and jealousy.

Marriage requires that each unique couple figure out the millions of tiny, and not so tiny, adjustments that need to be made in order for the relationship to survive. Our culture likes to say that if you have to change who you are, the relationship isn’t right. Get out.

But this is so false. You have to change who you are to some degree. Have you met you?! No matter who you are, there are plenty of things that have to be worked on and a marriage relationship will bring them to light in a major way. We’re not saying that spouses should compromise on their innate personhood. In fact, marriage partners should support and grow the gifts, talents, goals and so forth of their mates. But you’re going to end up divorced if you think you’ll never have to fix a fault, heal an old wound, become a more experienced communicator, change the way you go about daily life, do things you don’t want to, give up things you enjoy, compromise on life goals, move somewhere you’re not thrilled about, get rid of comfortable habits, sacrifice time and probably money, and acknowledge that your spouse is just as flawed as you are.

Two people mean messes. But two people who change and shift and grow turn those messes into opportunities to create a tight, loving bond.

2) You say that the demanding, difficult, and messy parts of marriage refine you, challenge you, and make you better as individuals and as a couple. Do you have an example of this happening in your marriage?

We got kicked out of our first apartment. That was a pretty key moment. Imagine how it feels to have your landlord tell you that you have to leave because she just can’t take the screaming and yelling anymore? And then her little four-year-old chimes in, “Yeah, we hear you fight!”

Talk about embarrassing.

We didn’t tell anyone about that for a long time. But as embarrassing as the situation was, it shoved our butts into gear. We realized that although we’d done a fair amount of pre-marital counseling and personal counseling before we got married, there were obviously still major issues that needed to be addressed. We found an amazing marriage counselor who literally saved our relationship. Our book is actually dedicated to him because of that. Being kicked out made us deal with our crap in a way that perhaps we wouldn’t have had we not been so ashamed and embarrassed. That landlord had no idea how much her honesty helped us to grow and take a good, hard look at what needed to change.

3) You write in your book that after two years of marriage, your relationship was crumbling. How did that happen, and what did you do?

We began our marriage with Jake pretty much giving Melissa an ultimatum. It was, “I’m called to be in ministry and at this particular church and if you want to be married then agree to this life plan.” This was super unwise for a number of reasons. Number one, a marriage should be a partnership and because we focused on the calling and desires of only one spouse, it created a lot of bitterness and resentment between us. We needed to instead decide how to mesh our two lives, callings, talents, and goals together. This lesson was absolutely learned the hard way in a counselor’s office after the word “divorce” had been thrown about quite a lot.

The second aspect of what lead to our crumbling relationship was unfortunately an unhealthy work situation for Jake. His youth pastor job was part-time, but yet he worked full-time hours. Just to make things work financially, Jake worked two other jobs at the same bringing his work week to around 70 hours a week. At the same time, to support Jake in his ministry and help pay the bills, Melissa was working a job she hated. By the end of year two of our marriage, Jake was totally burnt out and Melissa was angry. Jake withdrew emotionally, sexually, and relationally. It was devastating to Melissa who knew that it was time to leave that church, but who had a husband unwilling to listen to her.

The third part of the crisis point at that time was family issues that Melissa had not dealt with entirely. She grew up in an emotionally and verbally abusive household and had worked through some of that pain, but marriage had brought out even deeper wounds. Jake’s often very loving and innocent actions triggered intense and inappropriate emotional outbursts from Melissa that stemmed from incidents that happened in her past. All these things pushed us further and further apart. We were caught in many cycles of accusation, anger, hurt, and frustration.

Thankfully through the great counselor we mentioned before, as well as a new full-time position for Jake, we were able to work through everything and really heal our marriage by learning healthier boundaries, much better communication and by supporting one another’s gifts and goals equally.

4) You say that “a good marriage is a proactive one.” What do you mean when you say this?

Oliver Wendell Homes once said, “Greatness is not in where we stand, but in what direction we are moving. We must sail sometimes with the wind and sometimes against it – but sail we must and not drift, nor lie at anchor.”

We are actually re-thinking right now what it means to have a “good” marriage. Much of what current relationship resources tote as a good marriage is one where conflict is at a minimum, emotions are calm, compromises have been made and there is a general sense of peace. This is not our marriage! When we look at marriages today, the ones we’ve seen survive are the ones that are active. They fight. They continually rub each other the wrong way. They go to counseling even when things are going well. They plan trips without the kids. They freaking sleep without the kids!

Obviously, the personalities of each spouse influence how they interact with one another, but in our observations, sometimes a marriage is “peaceful” because spouses never discuss their feelings. Or there is less fighting because each partner chooses to bury their hurts. Our thoughts are leaning more and more towards the idea that stagnation in a relationship means death. It should never be too comfortable. Your spouse should always be challenging you. Your marriage should always be stretching you. And it takes choices towards action (being proactive) in order to do this. You must choose to communicate, to fight, to address the hard things. And you must choose to work on your marriage even when everything seems great.

5) You say that you’ve been blessed with mentors along the way that have helped you in your marriage, what was one thing they have helped you with?

Honesty. An outside perspective on your relationship will challenge and refine you like no other. Even harsh honesty that isn’t welcomed or sought out can be the most precious gift.  Melissa had a dear friend, who she’d consider a mentor, sit her down before we got married and pointed out a number of problems in our relationship. The friend even suggested that maybe we shouldn’t get married or wait a while because of these issues. We totally ignored her wisdom and guess what?! Every single thing she said became a major source of discord in our young marriage. She was honest and she was right and we had to get into professional counseling to work through all that stuff. The wisdom and insight of others can really propel a marriage towards health and longevity.

6) Recently you wrote an article for Relevant Magazine entitled, “4 Things We Wish We Knew About Sex Before We Were Married.” What inspired you to write this? 

Sex is really different than both the media and the conservative Christian community portrays it. It has been a point of tension in our marriage since day one and pre-marital counseling did very little to prepare us. No matter if you’re a virgin or to quote a Facebook fan, “do it a whole lot before marriage in order to get it right,” sex is just plain difficult. And messy. And exciting. And vulnerable. And frustrating. And satisfying. There needs to me much more conversation about the realities of sex within a committed marriage relationship and this article was just the very tip of that conversation iceberg. [You can read the article on Relevant Magazine]

7) How can people buy your book, 99 Thoughts on Marriage and Ministry?

They can buy the book HERE. Our publisher is running a one-day 50% sale on our book TODAY ONLY (Thursday, April 25th). If you buy our book today, it will only cost you $2.99.

About Jake and Melissa Kircher:

Jake and Melissa were married on August 27, 2005. Jake is the Youth Pastor at Grace Community Church. Melissa is a self-employed artist in painting, photo-processing, graphic design and writing. They currently live in Connecticut and have one foster son who loves to bang on the drums and another baby coming sometime late May/early June. You can find them at their blog, The Holymess of Marriage.

photo credit: boltron-, Alex Christine Photography

If you’ve talked to me for more than 10 minutes you’re probably inclined to think I’m fearless. I’m not, but somehow I still give that impression.

I have not always been this way. As a child I was afraid of so many things, strange things, adult things. I grew up in a home built on fear, but I didn’t worry about monsters under the bed or going somewhere alone. I worried about getting the answers wrong at school and being a disappointment. I worried about getting in trouble at home. I worried years in advance. I even worried about learning how to drive—when I was only seven. I wanted perfection, but the world rarely cooperated.

I had an overactive sense of right and wrong. As I found my way onto the path of Jesus, I was intimidated by freedom and grace. Grace was not a concept I was familiar with and I wanted so badly to just get the answers right the first time, every time.

So when I moved to New Orleans to volunteer after Hurricane Katrina tore through the city, I was doing it because it was the “right” thing to do. I was 21 and I was miserable most of the time.

Then a group of volunteers came who changed my world.

Andrew Burchett and his high school volunteers from Chico, Calif. came to New Orleans and just loved on me. They challenged my ideas about God’s grace and freedom. They broke through my need for perfection—at least a little. They hardly knew me, but they loved me anyway and I couldn’t help but see the big, beautiful arms of Christ stretched out through their acts.

That week, I celebrated my birthday and I started a new tradition: every year for my birthday I would do something brave and new—something I’d never tried before. That year, for my twenty-second birthday, I played the only two songs I had ever written in front of a room full of strangers at an open mic night.

When it was over, I didn’t care that it wasn’t perfect. I was full of adrenaline and loving it.

The birthday tradition has endured. It has prompted me to invite strangers to a sushi dinner and get a tattoo on my back. I loved the tradition so much I made it biennial. I skinny-dipped. I shaved my head—twice. I asked a man on a date. (He turned me down, but that only bolstered my courage. Rejection didn’t hurt as much as I thought it would and I have learned to live boldly because of it.)

I even took a leap last year and posted this video on the world wide web.

All these courageous things have made me different. Embracing the freedom and grace God has offered, it made me different—bold, strong, unafraid (even when it’s not my birthday). I’m not sure when it happened, but most of that old fear has melted off. The girl who existed before 22 seems like an entirely separate person and I’m reminded that I have been made new.

“This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!” – 2 Corinthians 5:17 (NLT)

Now I am fast approaching my birthday. I’ve taken on so many bold and brave acts, I’m not sure where to go from here.

I’m thinking about emailing a total stranger in Boston to see if I can meet him for coffee in celebration of my birthday. This is a stranger I only know about from a TED Talk I’ve watched a dozen times. I’ve convinced myself this is less weird, because we have a mutual friend—a real-life mutual friend. If he says yes, I will fly to Boston and go exploring for a few days and buy him coffee for making the world a better place.

But I haven’t sent the email yet, because I’m wondering if that’s just a little too insane—even for me. Maybe I need to think of a different brave birthday event. Maybe I’ll take a tango class, or color my hair blue or enter a pie-eating contest, or try to publish my children’s story.

I think I might go with the pie-eating contest—that’s less weird, right? What do you think?

About the Author:
I’m more likely to answer to Sars than Sarah. That’s because years ago my brothers started calling me Sars and, as the name implies, it was infectious. I’m a self-proclaimed writer-photographer-Jesus-lover-painter-adventurer-foodie. I have a near obsession with ending injustice and I’m a sucker for a good cause. I blog at Sometimes Screaming Helps and tweet at @sarsrichardson.

[This was originally posted at She Loves Magazine, and republished here with permission]

Photo Credit: Sarah Richardson

Some couples have a rental mentality when it comes to their marriage, and others have a purchase mentality. I’m not going to argue which one is better, but I just want to point out that there is a big difference.

It’s similar to the decision to rent or buy a home to live in. I’ve rented my fair share of apartments and basement suites. In most cases I’d sign a one-year lease, pay a damage deposit, and move my stuff in. I knew I wouldn’t stay in the place for long so I never invested much time, energy, or money in improving the place. I would stick cheap posters on the wall with masking tape, the furniture would never match or really fit properly and the only things I fixed in the house were done with duct tape.

I remember when Olive and I first started dating and she came to visit me. Her first comment about my place was, “This looks like a bachelor pad.” I don’t think that was a compliment.

The truth with a rental is that if I found something at a better price, with a more convenient location, a nicer view, or more space, I will leave my old place and get the new place. Or if I get a new job in another city, want to quit my job to travel, or just crave a change of scenery, I would find a new home. Why? Because I can. I’m not committed beyond my initial one-year lease, and although moving is a hassle, it is not too difficult.

In contrast, when Olive and I bought our first place together, I treated it very differently. We invested in buying furniture that matched and fit well in the space. We hung paintings on the wall (and even bought proper hanging hooks to do this). When the shower wasn’t working well, we researched to find the right part to fix it properly (no duct tape was used).

With our new house, we are planning to start a garden in our back yard. It will take us at least a few years for us to figure out how to do this well and actually get fruits and vegetables to grow. But because we purchased this home and are committed to staying here long-term, it makes sense to invest in the hard work of starting a garden. I never even considered starting a garden when I rented.

The same thing applies to a marriage. If you treat your marriage like a rental, you end up investing less in the relationship. And because you have invested less, it makes it easier to leave when you want to. But if you treat your marriage like a purchase, you invest for the long-term.

Here’s a real life example: One of the more difficult things in a marriage is developing a good relationship with the in-laws. Olive’s parents live in Toronto, and we only see them 1-2 times every year. As with any relationship, it takes time and energy to build a good relationship with them. Because Olive and I are committed to our marriage for the rest of our lives, I know that spending the effort to develop a relationship with my in-laws is worth it. Even if it takes 5 years to really develop a good relationship with them, if my in-laws live until they are 80 years old, I would still have 15 years to enjoy that relationship. But, if my marriage is a rental and I think it might only last for 5-6 years, then I would not put in the time and energy to build the relationship with my father-in-law and mother-in-law.

The rental vs. purchase mentality also applies to other dynamics of a marriage, like learning how to resolve conflict well, developing a satisfying sex life, and figuring out what really makes your spouse mad (and how to minimize this occurance).

When it comes to a marriage, the more you commit, the more you invest. The more you invest, the better things get. And the better things get, and the more you commit.

photo credit: rogiro