Pros and Cons of Being an Only Child

The Pros and Cons of Being an Only Child

When people find out I’m an only child, they often ask me how it was growing up. Well, I don’t know any other life, and I had a very happy childhood.  So I’d say it was great!

Pros and Cons of Being an Only Child

However, as I consider my own family and how many children I’d want, I have to consider more carefully.  From a parent’s standpoint, I can understand why people would choose to have only one child. Raising just one child already requires a lot of time, energy and money. And for some people, they are only able to have one. But if I were given the opportunity to have more than one child, I would. To me, it’s short term pain for long term gain. Why?  Here are some of the pros and cons to being an only child from my experience:

Pros:

Attention from my parents.  This one’s pretty obvious.  Because it was just me, I had both my parents’ full attention.  I never had to compete for it.  Perhaps if I was a more rebellious kid, this may have counted as a disadvantage.  But I did enjoy having all their attention.

Relating well to adults.  Since I grew up without siblings or cousins my age, I spent a lot of time around adults.  I remember sitting with my parents and their friends after dinner just listening to their conversations.  This taught me how to interact with people much older than myself. When I got married, Tim noticed that I had lots of older women friends and that I would strike up conversations with people older than us with much more ease than he would.

Independence.  Not having siblings meant that I had to make decisions on my own. It also meant that I had to entertain myself and find ways to occupy myself.  I ended up doing a lot of reading and drawing. I also had to problem solve on my own.

Suited an introvert. Being an only child was great for me as an introvert. I had plenty of time to think and be by myself. I’d still have play dates with friends, but a lot of the time, I just hung out on my own, which I totally didn’t mind.

Maturity. One of the effects of spending a lot of time with adults was that I learned early on how to think like them. In my growing up years, I would often hear the comment, “You are so mature for your age!”  But maybe it was just that I learned how to sit still and not run around that made me appear more mature.

 Cons:

No one to share responsibility with. As I grew older, I realized that one of the downsides to having no siblings was that I had all the responsibility for my parents as they grew older.  For their 25th wedding anniversary, I threw them a big party and I remember wishing I had siblings to help me with organizing it.  And as I look into the future, I will be the only one to care for them in their golden years.

Not knowing how to fight. Believe it or not, learning to fight and have disagreements is a useful life skill. Having no one to fight with while I was growing up meant that I had a lot of catching up to do when I hit my adult years. My first roommate bore the brunt of this learning curve for me.  Thankfully, she was very patient and gracious with me. To this day, I still recoil at the thought of debating someone, which is too bad for my husband because he loves to debate!

Unaware of other’s opinions. A related effect of not having to disagree with anyone was ignorance of perspectives outside of my own. Again, I learned about this from my first roommate. When I first moved out of my parents’ house, I thought my approach to problems was the only one and I expected others to see it the same way. Over time, I learned that there is usually more than one solution or one viewpoint and that others’ opinions are just as valid.

Loneliness. This is usually the first disadvantage that comes to mind when people think of only children. Well, it’s true. There were many times where I felt like I was an “only lonely.” And I grew up often wishing I had an older sibling (older, because a lot of my friends had younger siblings and they didn’t seem to enjoy having them very much).

Discomfort relating to children. Since I spent so much time with adults, I never was very comfortable in relating to other children. I didn’t really know how to let loose and play like the other kids. It was not until I had my own child that I could finally feel less awkward playing with kids.

Not knowing how to ask for help. The flip side of being independent was that I tried to do everything by myself. It was an eye opener for me when I started dating Tim to see his family ask each other for opinions before making decisions. I have had to learn to ask for help and input over the years.

Overall, growing up as an only child was a positive experience for me. But there were definitely areas (especially socially) where having siblings would have prepared me better for engaging with the world. So even though as a parent, it would be easier to only have one child, in the long haul, I think it benefits the whole family to have more than one child. Who I am today is very much influenced by the fact that I grew up as an only child. But I’m also thankful that through marriage, I have siblings for the adult part of my life!

 

Want to read more? Here are a few books about being and parenting an only child (affiliate links):

One and Only: The Freedom of Having an Only Child, and the Joy of Being One Only Child: Writers on the Singular Joys and Solitary Sorrows of Growing Up Solo The Case for the Only Child: Your Essential Guide