The Golden Rule is found in all of the world’s major religions and ethical traditions, and is generally agreed upon as a good rule to live by. Unfortunately, the Golden Rule often fails to help others and can sometimes cause more damage than benefit.
Before I explain what I mean, I thought it would be interesting to give a few examples of how the Golden Rule appears in different religions (for a complete list, see Wikipedia):
– Buddhism: “Hurt not others in ways that you yourself would find hurtful.” (Udanavarga 5:18)
– Christianity: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” (Jesus in Matthew 7:12)
– Confucianism: “What you do not wish for yourself, do not do to others.” (Confucius)
– Hinduism: “One should never do that to another which one regards as injurious to one’s own self. This, in brief, is the rule of dharma.” (Brihaspati, Mahabharata)
– Islam: “As you would have people do to you, do to them; and what you dislike to be done to you, don’t do to them.” (Mohammad)
Where the Golden Rule fails is that it does not take into account the differences between people. It assumes that all people want to be treated the same way. In some cases this true (i.e. people want to be treated with kindness and respect), but here are a few examples when this is not true.
Extrovert vs. Introvert
Extroverts are energized when they are with people. Introverts are energized when they are alone. I like celebrating my birthday by throwing a big party and inviting as many people as I can. Now if I assume that my introvert wife, Olive, would like a huge party for her birthday, I would be very wrong (very, very, very, VERY, VERY wrong). Her idea of a great birthday is having an intimate gathering with a few select friends (read more of Olive’s thoughts on Introversion.)
Communication
Some people prefer to be spoken to directly. If someone wants, needs, or feels something, the preference is that they come right out and say it. For example, “I want to move to another city.” Others prefer to be spoken to indirectly. An example of indirect communication would be: “I wish we could live in another city.” Just because you may prefer to be spoken to directly to avoid any misunderstanding doesn’t mean that you friend prefers the same thing.
Love Languages
In the well-read book, “The 5 Love Languages” (affiliate link), author Gary Chapman explains that people prefer to be shown love in 5 possible ways:
1. Words of Affirmation
2. Quality Time
3. Gifts
4. Acts of Service
5. Physical Touch
When Olive and I first started dating, I would often buy her gifts. I was always a bit disappointed when she did not receive the gifts with much excitement. That was because I was applying the Golden Rule. I loved receiving gifts so I assumed that she would as well. But Olive’s love languages are Quality Time and Physical Touch – those are the ways she prefers to be shown love. Over the years I’ve learned to spend one-on-one time with her and give her plenty of hugs during the day (which is great because I don’t have to buy so many gifts and save some money).
Married vs. Single
I used to think that everyone wanted to be married because I found the right person to marry and marriage has been excellent for me (even when I fight with my spouse or the times she is angry with me). That’s why I would often offer to set up my single friends or give them advice on how to get married. But many of my single friends were quite content to be single and found it annoying that I kept hinting at them to get married, as if they were somehow missing something in their life (my sincere apologies to anyone I’ve done this to – and by the way, you might enjoy reading my friend’s guest post about answering the question, “Why Aren’t Your Married Yet?“)
As a new parent, I can see how the Golden Rule would be a great first way to help children develop empathy for others. But as they grow older and gain the ability to think about another person’s point of view, I will want to help them see that their own preferences are not always the same as what others would prefer.
What other ways does the Golden Rule fail? Leave your thoughts in the comments.
photo credit: Gamma-Ray Productions, Kalexanderson