Early on in our marriage, we realized that most of our everyday conversations were superficial in nature but we didn’t often get around to talking about the deeper things that mattered most to us. We decided to address this by booking off a day to discuss these topics. After all, businesses and organizations have annual planning retreats, why couldn’t we? That’s how Blue Days were invented. Over the 13 years we have been doing Blue Days, many people have asked us what we talk about. We put this post together to outline the topics we cover.
What are Blue Days?
Blue Days are for us what someone has described as “State of the Union” conversations. We set aside a day each year to review where we’ve been and look at where we are heading. More than simply a day for scheduling, we make time to connect about the larger themes and direction in our lives.
We called them Blue Days not because we felt sad (i.e., “Oh, today is a blue day”), but because one of the personality tests we took, the Birkman Method, uses the colour blue to describe the strengths of planning, thought, creativity, and design. Since these are strengths for both me and Tim, and because our main focus on these retreat days would be planning, thinking, dreaming and designing, we decided to call them Blue Days.
A good marriage takes work, and the daily grind doesn’t give us the time and space we need to step back, assess, and dream. Having these set days ensures that we stay intentional about our lives, that we have a chance to talk about the things that really matter, that we are moving forward together in the same direction, and that the direction we are heading is actually where we want to go.
Blue Day Topics
Below are 8 topics we cover in our Blue Day conversations. We generally start with 30-45 min of individual silent reflection, prayer, and journalling before coming together. We always begin with Big Picture/Calling and finish with Finances. In between, we will cover the topics in no particular order.
1) The Big Picture/Calling
This includes our life goals as individuals and as a couple. What do we feel called to do in our lives? Is there anything new we have discovered about ourselves? What are our 5, 10 or 20-year dreams and goals? Also included are our personal mission statements as well as our mission statement as a couple and family. We also use this time to review our wedding vows to remind us of what we want our marriage to be about.
2) Marriage & Family
This block of time is used to assess where our relationship is at as husband and wife, as well as our relationships with our children and extended family (parents, siblings, nieces and nephews). How is our marriage doing? How are our date nights? How is our sex life? Is there any unresolved conflict we need to talk about between us or with our kids? Is there anything we want to change or improve? What are we going to do to continue building our relationships with each other (e.g., Is there a book we want to read or a marriage conference to attend? Etc.) and with our extended family (e.g. Are we happy with the frequency of communication/visits with our parents and siblings and their families)? Before we had kids, we talked about whether we hoped to have children, and if so, how many.
3) Friends
For this category, we divide it into people who are friends to both of us, as well as individual close friendships for each of us. We want to be intentional about spending time with people who can encourage us to keep growing. We ask ourselves: Who are our current close friends? Who do we want to spend more time with? When do we want to see them? Who would we rather spend less time with?
4) Faith Community
Here we address our involvement in a faith community. Initially, we were simply looking for a church to attend. Eventually, we started volunteering to lead a group. Our church also offered several service times, so we discussed which service we wanted to regularly participate in. Questions to ask include: How do we want to serve at this church? Which relationships do we want to develop here and how do we want to invest in them? Do we want to change the way(s) we are involved (e.g., join the choir, take a course, or cut back on something else)?
5) Work
Here we talk about our careers. Are we living out what we believe we are made for and called to do? Are there any major conferences, deadlines, etc. that the other person needs to be aware of? Are we satisfied with how many hours of work we are putting in per week? What are our next steps for developing our careers (training, education, new job, etc.)?
6) Health
This includes all spheres of health: physical, emotional, spiritual and mental. It also includes rest, leisure activities and vacation. How have we been feeling? Are there certain checkups we need to make appointments for? Do we have a place to keep track of our health? Any exercise goals? Do any of us feel a need to see a counselor? What books do we want to read to help us grow? What is currently working well for us (e.g., Olive wants to continue meeting with a Spiritual Director every month) and what needs changing? Are we getting enough rest? What do we want to do for vacation this year? How do we want to spend our vacation days? Where do we want to travel to and with whom? Are we being consistent about keeping one day a week that is purely about recharging and enjoying God, each other and life? Are there any significant milestones we want to celebrate and how shall we celebrate them? Are there new fun activities we want to try?
7) Life Infrastructure
Anything related to our home or car goes here. Questions include: Is there anything that needs fixing (e.g., the window seals are broken)? Is there anything that needs to be thrown away (e.g., old laptops)? Do we need to make any purchases (e.g., a new lamp for the living room)? Are we hoping to move to a bigger home? If so, when? How is the condition of our car?
8) Finances
Usually, we look at this topic last because our finances support everything else that we do. We want to spend our money on the things that we value in life so establishing a budget is part of this. In the first year of marriage, we needed to merge bank accounts and set up credit cards with both our names. Questions to look at here include: Is our budget realistic and is there anything we need to adjust? Are there areas we are spending more/less than budgeted? What organizations or charities do we want to give to and how much? Are we saving enough money? Are there any large purchases we need to discuss? Are we living within our means and being the best stewards of the finances we have been given?
Other Tips and Best Practices
Take notes on paper
To minimize digital distraction, we take all our notes on sheets of paper. We like to use different coloured paper just to make it more fun and designate one sheet per topic. This allows us to look back over previous years and easily review our past conversations. We started off with a folder but by our 10th year, we had to switch to a binder.
Find a location that isn’t at home
Over the years, we have tried various locations. To save money, we attempted to do Blue Days at home but quickly realized there were too many distractions. We also tried staying overnight at a B&B but found that it didn’t give us enough actual time to talk because we wouldn’t get to check in till the afternoon, then we’d have dinner, and then the next morning we would have to have breakfast and check out. What has worked for us is renting B&Bs for the daytime as well as borrowing friends’ places while they were at work, or using friends’ empty basement suites.
Keep a consistent time of year
We like to do our Blue Days at the beginning of January. We have friends who feel like the start of their year is the fall so they do theirs in September. Find a time that feels like a natural point in the yearly rhythm for you and stick with it.
Have fun
Aside from talking, we’ll take breaks for some yummy food or change up the environment by going for a walk or out for a meal. Sitting for a whole day can start to feel like a business meeting so be sure to insert some fun elements to make it an enjoyable day.
Make it yours
Our guide here is just a springboard for you. Each couple is unique and what works for you will probably be different from what works for us. Maybe you won’t cover all 8 topics each time. Maybe you only feel like you need to talk about a few of the topics. As your life circumstances change, your needs will also change (for example, when our second-born was 3 months old, we had to bring her along with us). The important thing is to set aside time together for communication.
For a downloadable version of the conversation topics, click here: Blue Day Conversation Guide PDF.