LOVE’S SWEET SORROW

this weekend was york ccf (english)’s very first winter retreat. and i gotta say that God is too good to us. :> starting with perfect weather and safe rides, He showered endless blessings on us. three years ago, when we were simply a handful of bumbling first and second year students with a call, we never would have dreamed that within these three years, God would build us up to a point where we could hold our own retreat with 22 people. let everything that has breath praise the Lord!

naturally, a retreat is never complete without a few lessons. this time, insight struck me in a most unexpected way. on saturday, a few girls and i went out for a walk and we ended up lying on our backs in the snow, staring at the sky and humming Amazing Grace. suddenly, one of the guys came up behind us and dumped some snow on our faces. it wasn’t much but when a few of the other guys heard about it, they decided to give this guy a snow job. so, in typical guy fashion, the tackling, dragging and general shoving of snow began. when it was all over, the “target” had a bloody nose and another guy had lost both of his glasses lenses. i was horrified at what i had triggered and i tried to help by getting kleenex and scouring the grounds for the lost lenses. in the end, the nose was ok, one of the lenses was found, but the other lens was lost indefinitely.

my friend had lost his lens for me. in defending me, he had to cope with not being able to see comfortably or clearly for the rest of the retreat and beyond. i was the cause for his loss. but on the other hand, he’d done it willingly. suddenly, i realized that what Jesus did for me was the same kind of thing but on a much larger scale. i was the cause for His death. but because of His love for me, He gave up His life willingly.

there were other lessons learned this weekend, but of all of them, i think this one will be deeply imprinted on my heart for the rest of my life.
thank you. and thank You. i do not deserve this love.

WHY?

had a good conversation with a friend today. as we talked, the topic of futility came up. he remarked that it seemed like all this learning and knowledge and all our activities in life just don’t amount to much. what’s the point?

i actually surprised myself with my answer to him. i realized that while learning and doing things is, well, what we do in life, what matters is people. when i take my eyes off of what i need to know and do, and turn them to helping the people around me, i find fulfillment. and ultimately, it’s about bringing the love of Jesus to them. and as i walked home, i thought, “of course that makes sense! that’s the great commandment!” so yeah, i gained some insight into what Jesus already told us two thousand years ago. heh heh… God is just so patient with me. ;)

EVEN THEN

It’s a fear that keeps me wide awake
In the middle of the night
When the expectations are too great
And the bar gets raised too high
So I do the best with what I’ve got
And hope that no one knows
That I strain to see how high I can
Try to stand on these toes
Until I’m measured, but You know better

~Nichole Nordeman

HEAT OF THE BATTLE

hope keeps us going when it seems like life is too much to handle. hope in what? hope in love. hope in a love that is greater than ourselves, greater than our ephemeral causes. hope in a love that allows what we do to make a mark in eternity.

there is a dark cloud of worry hovering over my mind and my heart, waiting for me to succumb to its pressure. waiting for me to give up. but i know this is a battle. i know that because of the love of Jesus Christ, I WILL WIN. i am determined. i will cling to God. Satan, you will not get to me! i have the Living Saviour on my side! i have prayers of numerous saints, the prayers of my friends, uplifting me. i have angels standing guard around me. my feet are firmly planted on the unshakable Word. this house will not fall.

when i look back on these days, the Glory of God will be written across them. that is my hope. Jesus is my champion.

DESIRE

“i love you. it allows me to see more… and less, than others.”
–(Uncle) Vanya by Howard Barker

i’ve been slowly realizing that it takes a lot of energy to love people. and loving people is one of my greatest joys, as well as one of my greatest burdens. at the moment, it’s more of a burden but it’s one that i would not dream to be living without.

i need to see God. i need to hear Him. desperately.

STINKY

a short lesson in Chinese (courtesy of my wonderful mother and half a day of nothing to do in China):

if you take the word for self and write the character for big underneath the self and add a little dot by the big, you have the character for stinky. so it is with us. if we allow ourselves get big even just a little dot (ie, if we are prideful), we become STINKY!

God’s been challenging me a lot to look at my motives for doing things and helping the people around me. and i’m ashamed to say that a lot of what i do is because i want to feel good about myself or i think i’m the only one who can do it, not because i’m driven by the love of Christ. “don’t be a hero,” one of my friends said. i must let Jesus be the hero. less of me, more of Him, until it’s none of me, all of Him.

FROM STRENGTH TO STRENGTH

i love it when i know my heart has heard the voice of God during sunday service. ‘cuz when that happens, i know it’s been more than a service, it’s been worship.

these past two weeks, i’d been so swamped with school work and all the other stuff i’m involved in that i’d been running super long hours (typical day would last from 7am-2am). i still managed to spend time in the Word and in prayer (literally too busy not to pray) but it wasn’t until last night that i just sat back and listened to what God was trying to tell me through my brothers and sisters on the tc worship team. being an advisor, i felt like i was supposed to be the one with the insights and the advice (hence, the title), but last night, i just felt so dry. i had nothing to give. instead, God gave to me – through them. while listening to their testimonies and sharing, God showed me my pride and stubborness. i did not have to prove myself and say things to make an impression on them. i was there because God put me there and that was reason enough. i simply had to trust in His wisdom that He would somehow use me to help them. on the drive home, i felt like i’d gotten a small break-through.