Category Archive

ENOUGH

i wrestled with God again. it was a most enjoyable day capped off by a most lovely evening. and i was at my friend’s concert tonight. i went with a couple friends and i saw many other friends there. in all, i was surrounded by love, both human and Divine. but surprisingly, it was during the concert that i wrestled with God. it’s been the same question for the past few weeks now. a question rising from my own greed, impatience and lack of faith. God challenged me with this: If I give you what you wish for, would you be satisfied? What if i didn’t give it to you, would you still be satisfied? Where is your sense of completeness coming from? and i am humbled yet again.

i love God’s grace. one of the soloists sang the old hymn His Eye Is On The Sparrow tonight. i clung to the words in this song a little under a year ago when i was going through some rough waters with a friend. (if you know me, i even changed my icq nickname because of the song). and as i sat there listening, i couldn’t help but smile, knowing that the friendship was now restored, we were both sitting in the theatre and God had proven Himself faithful once again. i was even more touched when the next song was Great Is Thy Faithfulness. at that moment, that was all my heart could say. and i was assured that His promises would ring true in all the other areas of my life as well.

on a side note, i found out that someone actually has their computer set up to tell them when i update my blog. ack! ;p well, sometimes, i’d like to know how you’re doing, too!

TIDBITS

nothing much to post today. i feel like it’s been a long time since i put anything new up, but honestly, nothing much has happened. i’ve been painting a fantastic and colourful set of backdrops for a production of Caillou. it’s been great living in a childhood story-land. but the project finished today. next project? painting our garage doors. :p

onto deeper things… something i’ve realized this week is that in an hour-long commute to work, it is possible to have a wonderful conversation with Jesus. i always packed a book to read, but i found that i had so much i needed to sort out in my head before school starts that my time was much better spent talking to God. i was extra glad for the time on the days i couldn’t wake myself up early enough to do devos before i stepped out the door. :>

oh yes, another thing about myself that i’ve been reminded of (yet again): i need to give more. it’s such a challenge.

HIDING UNDER A BOWL?

working in the theatre industry, i see a lot of “worldly ways.” like, this job i’m at right now, i’m painting with a professional designer and painter who’s gay, involved in the gay community and sings in his church choir. he’s a wonderful person to work with and we have some great conversations. i know that some people who claim to be Christians would condemn him for his lifestyle, but in my heart of hearts, i cannot. i find that i can only pray for him more. when he opens up his gay newspapers at lunch, i get such mixed feelings. i know that homosexuality is sin in God’s eyes, but how do i make it known that that’s how i see it? i can’t tell him how to run his life, nor can i say to him “you’re wrong.” i guess when Jesus hung out with the “sinners,” he never had to tell people their sin. they knew, just from being in His presence. oh, that i would allow Jesus to be seen in me so that these friends of mine can be drawn to His grace!

tonight, i had another experience that made me think about this business of being light in the darkness. but this time, it was among my church friends. being the strange creature i am, i haven’t actually sat down to watch TV in a very long time. so it felt very odd for me tonight. i hadn’t realized just how much sex is glamourized in the media! all those images made me feel sick. but internally, i struggled with whether or not i should speak up. ‘cuz i didn’t want people to think that i wanted to be holier than them. i was relieved when someone else commented on the garbage we were watching and we put on a clean movie instead. but in retrospect, maybe i should have spoken up. i need to learn to stand up for God and let God take care of my reputation. i need to stop hiding this light.

COSTLY

recently, God’s been bringing the same verse to me over and over again.

One sentence jumps out at me: You are not your own; you were bought at a price. i know this is God, challenging me to really let Him own me. to live under the authority of Jesus Christ. i’ve also been challenged recently by two other pieces of writing.

the first one is Quest for Love by Elisabeth Elliot. in this sequel to her book Passion and Purity (which, incidentally, if you’re between the ages of 15 and 25 and you still haven’t read it, read it!), she presents examples and counter-examples of people who give their lovelife over to the Lordship of Jesus Christ. she explains that when we focus our eyes on God and concentrate on doing His will in purity, He will bring the right person at the right time. there is no need to scout. the part that challenges me the most is to keep my thoughts and emotions between me and God while waiting in patience. her view is that by God’s design, men should be the initiators while women should be the responders. but before initiating or responding happens, both should wait on God in prayer. (if you have issues with this view, read her book).

the second thing that put 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 in real-life terms for me was written by a martyr (unfortunately, i don’t know his name). it speaks for itself.

I am a disciple of Jesus Christ. I must go until Heaven returns, give until I drop, preach until all know, and work until He comes. And when He comes to get His own, He will have no problem recognizing me. My colours will be clear.”

REALITY

last night was the 24/7 event. but more than that, i encountered a side of Jesus i’d never experienced before.

as a symbol of our confession, we wrote our sins on a slip of paper and nailed the papers to a wooden cross. as i held my piece of paper, i was so reluctant to get up from my seat and walk to the cross. i didn’t want the weight of a hammer in my hand. i didn’t want to hold the nail. and most of all, i didn’t want to feel the impact of the hammer meeting the head of the nail, forcing it deep into the wood. i didn’t want to be responsible for crucifying my Christ. but as i wrestled, Jesus told me that i had already crucified Him countless times. i’d just never acknowledged it. every little step i took away from His will, i’d driven the nail into his flesh. every impure thought, every broken promise, every time i’d ignored a cry for help, every hint of pride.

clang.

metal to metal. hammer to nail. i could not run away from my guilt. i had nowhere to turn and no place to hide. He had taken it all. why He’d pay such a high price for a wretch, i will never understand. i only know that in response to a grace so lavish, i can only desire one thing: to let Him live through me.

ON TRAVELLING TOGETHER

i dunno if it’s just me, but maybe someone else notices this in their life: whenever i’m going through a struggle, at least a couple other people in my life are facing the same thing. and when we share about what we’re dealing with, a beautiful thing happens – we encourage each other.

i haven’t really noticed this effect before, but it floors me that God uses our failures to heal each other. or more accurately, He uses our willingness to be transparent about our shortcomings to help each other. we are mutually built up when we carry each other’s burdens. there is much joy in that thought, and i can’t help but marvel at God’s awesome design. :>

SLOWLY SELF-DESTRUCTING

sometimes, i think there’s a communication gap between my brain and my body. i just managed to stub three of my toes walking from my computer to the garbage can on the other side of my room. at work today, i hammered my thumb. and the other day, i whacked my elbow on the ceramic soap dish in my shower. that didn’t stop hurting until the next day. sigh. i think i’m still growing… as if! lol.

been doing some reflecting on everything that God has brought me through this summer. all the lessons i’ve learned. all the experiences He’s given me. the people i’ve met. the friendships that have developed. i’m really grateful for the time i’ve had just to read. all these new ideas; i feel like my mind has expanded so much! i’ve come to a new appreciation of God’s word as living, dynamic and exciting to study. and i’ve realized the importance of free and total abandonment to Christ in every moment of my day (not saying that i’ve reached it, but now i know it’s something to strive for). i hope and pray that i won’t forget these lessons when the busyness of school comes crashing down. i suppose this is one of the reasons why we need each other, to keep us accountable. :)