Category Archive

That’s right, I’m a closet addict and I’m coming clean now. It might not be the kind of addiction you’re used to hearing about, but it’s sapping the life out of me and I need to get out.

I’m an approval addict.

God has exposed this stronghold in my heart and I’m going into a period of rehabilitation. I’ve been using my writing, my blogs, my updates and newsletters as a secret way of feeding this addiction. I’ve been trying to satisfy my cravings with praises of people when only the opinion of Lord Himself matters.

This idolatry has to stop.

So I’m going cold turkey until my heart is free from the need to build my worth upon people’s opinions about me.

Thanks for sticking with me this far. I have hope that I will be back blogging again someday. I really do love writing and seeing God use it to bless. In the meantime, if God brings me to your mind, please say a prayer for me. I know God will use this time of silence for the good of all of us.

Having spent at least 2/3rds of our courtship so far being long-distance, Tim and I have rather enjoyed the wonderful invention of the webcam. Not only do we get to talk to each other (and for free, too, thanks to another wonderful invention called Skype), we get to see each other while we talk. It’s as if all those miles and timezones between us melt away.

Almost.

The rare occasions when we’ve gotten to see each other in person, we realize how much richer the experience is when we’re face-to-face, not separated by a screen. We appreciate the other person’s being and presence to a fuller extent.

I often think about this and relate it to the passage in 1 Corinthians where Paul talks about seeing God face-to-face. How absolutely glorious it will be when we get to stand in His real and actual presence! How delightful it will be to begin to fully appreciate the fullness of Who He is!

So, if I may paraphrase this passage in today’s language, it would be…

You know when you’ve truly forgiven and you’re ready to “forget what lies behind” when you can talk about it.
~Pastor Mark Driscoll

Last week I had a dream about receiving a red pocket for Chinese New Year (yah, I enjoy getting money ;p)… In my dream, no matter how many times I tried to count how much was in it, I couldn’t get my numbers straight. It didn’t matter which bill I started to count with, I would get lost partway through and I’d have to start over. In the end, I gave up trying to know how much was in that red pocket.

I think this is a picture of the blessings God gives us. I cannot quantify them, no matter how much I try to count them! And sometimes, His blessings don’t appear to be blessings so I miscount.

I also think this dream is symbolic of trying to predict or figure God out. It simply cannot be done.

In the end, my response to God can only be to receive His gifts and His person with gratitude. Because I’m luckier than I’ll ever know.

I’ve been told (and I have seen) that it’s very common for people who come back from serving overseas to have a difficult time re-adjusting to church in North America. Personally, I find it true of myself. In a sense, I’m glad for this difficulty because it’s forcing me to examine my beliefs about church and dig into the Word – instead of just going with what I’ve been brought up to accept as truth.

I have a theory as to why overseas missionaries (perhaps those in closed countries in particular) have a difficult time with the re-adjustment. I think it has to do with the depth of fellowship Christians share when they’re “on the field.” God is very much a part of every part of life. And transparency between fellow believers is a gift readily given and received. From talking about Biblical questions to bowel movements, there is a level of closeness that is reminiscent of family.

Since being back, I’ve been attending Sunday services regularly, but I find that that’s not where church is for me. It’s during the week, in my conversations with friends as we connect in the deeper places of the heart, that’s where my soul knows I am part of a larger body and Christ’s love is intersecting with life. It is in those moments that my heart is brought to a place of reverence and awe of God – a spontaneous place of worship that comes from somewhere deep within.

And so I have questions. What is the role of the church now? In an age where quality Biblical teaching can be downloaded and listened to any day and worship music is readily available, why do we still gather? If we claim to gather for fellowship and corporate worship but we aren’t willing to be open with each other and wrestle together through the tough and dirty stuff, what’s the point? What would it take for a congregation to truly take on characteristics of being a family and go beyond Sunday morning pleasantries?

I’m searching for answers. And I have a suspicion I’m not the only one.

I’m not sure why, but the recent violence in Kenya has touched a tender spot in my heart. Perhaps it’s all the unnecessary killings and seeing the futility of trying to use violence to bring about change. I don’t know. But I read the news and my heart weeps as I imagine all the displaced people who are living in such terror day and night. All that chaos with no where to turn.

And I’m halfway around the world enjoying my comfortable home and stable life.

I went on the Canadian Food for the Hungry site to see if there was anything I could do to bring Christ’s love and presence to these people. According to the site, there are an estimated 250,000 people who are displaced because of this turmoil. That means, to help each person with only a dollar, that would be $250,000.

Sigh. I’m sad that I cannot even give 1 cent of help to each person. But I can trust that what I can give, the Lord has accepted and blessed.