Category Archive

JUST WHINING

i don’t wanna studyyyyyy!!!!!!!!

ok. enough of that. i need discipline. :p

…BUT NOT LOST

a continuation of my previous posting: (thanks for all your comments, it’s reassuring to know i’m not walking alone :D )

being bored of reading the other day, my thoughts turned to my heart’s tendency to wander. and i asked God exactly what Henri Nouwen put so eloquently. only, in my head, it was more like, “are You not enough?!?!” i wrestled with the fact that no matter how many times i had surrendered, it seemed like i was still holding on. and in the quiet of the shade of the tree, God showed me a simple fact: His grace is sufficient. that means i can come for more, as many times as i want. and He doesn’t mind.

so to me, this is the truth that set me free: i am not perfect. and God does not expect me to be. :D so i should not expect me to be. maybe it’s not much to you, but it’s profound for me.

PRONE TO WANDER

Why, O Lord, is it so hard for me to keep my heart directed toward you? Why do the many little things I want to do, and the many people I know, keep crowding my mind, even during the hours that I am totally free to be with you and

you alone? Why does my mind wander off in so many directions, and why does my heart desire the things that lead me astray? Are you not enough for me? Do I keep doubting your love and care, your mercy and grace? Do I keep wondering, in the center of my being, whether you will give me all I need if I just keep my eyes on you?

Take my tired body, my confused mind, and my restless soul into your arms and give me rest, simple quiet rest. Do I ask too much too soon? I should not worry about that. You will let me know. Come Lord Jesus, come. Amen.
~Henri Nouwen

prone to wander, Lord, i feel it; prone to leave the God i love.
here’s my heart, Lord, take and seal it; seal it for Thy courts above.

WHAT DID I MISS IN CLASS?

i’m taking a correspondance course and we had an orientation meeting last week. not surprisingly, many people didn’t show. the following is my prof’s posting in response to the countless inquiries of “what did i miss?”

Did I Miss Anything

Question frequently asked by
students after missing a class

Nothing. When we realized you weren’t here

we sat with our hands folded on our desks
in silence, for the full two hours

Everything. I gave an exam worth

40 per cent of the grade for this term

and assigned some reading due today

on which I’m about to hand out a quiz

worth 50 per cent

Nothing. None of the content of this course

has value or meaning

Take as many days off as you like:

any activities we undertake as a class

I assure you will not matter either to you or me

and are without purpose

Everything. A few minutes after we began last time

a shaft of light descended and an angel

or other heavenly being appeared

and revealed to us what each woman or man must do

to attain divine wisdom in this life and

the hereafter

This is the last time the class will meet

before we disperse to bring this good news to all people

on earth

Nothing. When you are not present

how could something significant occur?

Everything. Contained in this classroom

is a microcosm of human existence

assembled for you to query and examine and ponder

This is not the only place such an opportunity has been

gathered

but it was one place

And you weren’t here

~Tom Wayman

Originally from: The Astonishing Weight of the Dead.

Vancouver: Polestar, 1994.

PEACE, SAFETY AND GOD’S HANDS

two thoughts, one image.

one. for the past month or so, i’ve been dealing with anxiety stemming from the upcoming changes in my life (ie, i’m moving away for a year) coupled with a lack of consistent times with God. on friday, our fellowship did a review on the book of philippians in the form of a scavenger hunt. for one of the activities, we were told to find the room with the overhead projector and think about the word that was on the wall. the word that we had to reflect upon was peace. and honestly, that was the exact word i needed to be reminded of. i’d never intentionally sat down to think about what peace was, things associated with it or what God says about it so it was an awesome experience just letting my mind explore the word. i concluded that my definition of peace for now is resting cradled in the hand of God.

two. a bunch of people from my church came to my house on saturday to hear me share about what made me decide to go for a year of missions. naturally, many people had concerns for my parents, asking them if they were scared to see their only daughter go so far away. my dad’s response was that no matter where we go in life, there is no safe place. the safest place we think is our house, but even there, freak accidents can happen – eg, a number of years ago, a plane crashed into a house down the street from us. i’d like to think that the safest place to be is in the hands of God. ‘cuz no matter what happens externally, if my soul is secure, i’m secure.

and so, i am at peace. and how very sweet that is.

VISUALIZING SPIRIT

for any artists out there with artists’ block, here’s a surefire remedy: wander the streets of New York City. last weekend, i was down there with a friend and her dad and i was blown away at the amount of creativity and intriguing material we came across. but that’s not what this post is about. ;p

during a discussion about the role of theatre, her dad said something to the effect of “art is the expression of the spirit.” my friend responded by saying the difference between humans and animals is that we create art. on the surface, art seems frivolous – a waste of energy and material. but if you were to take art away, i think people would literally go crazy. so even though art is not a neccessity to physical survival, it is needed for mental wellness. so back to the expression of the spirit… this is where humans reflect the nature of God: in the act of creating something for beauty and/or expression. perhaps this is why people feel closest to God when they create (whether it be art, music or another human life)…

IT WASN’T THAT EASY

so seven weeks after the release of a movie isn’t too bad, is it? ;p yes, on the third attempt, my plans to watch The Passion of the Christ with my friend *finally* worked out. :D and now i can actually say that i don’t think it was worth all that hype. not to say i thought the movie was bad. it was definitely a well made movie. and a powerful movie (which, i believe is due to having the most powerful story to begin with). it also did get people thinking about Jesus and hopefully more interested in reading the Bible for themselves (at least it did for my friend). but, it was a movie.

coming out of it, i had two main thoughts. the first one being, this is my life. this act that i and all the people in the theatre with me were watching is the reason i live. it’s the reason i’m putting aside my theatre ambitions for at least this year. it’s the reason why i’m taking one of the scariest steps of my life so far to move to a different country. it’s the reason i breathe. it was actually kind of odd for me watching Christ’s crucifixion portrayed on the big screen. Jesus’ death and resurrection have always been an intensely personal experience for me. i mean, when i read the scriptures, i imagine it in my head, right? so here i am, watching someone else’s picture of what they think it looked like. and my friend sitting next to me is essentially watching the core of who i am. weird.

my second thought came to me near the end of the movie. the words that came to mind as the camera panned out into a birds-eye view of the three crosses were, it wasn’t that easy, which seams like a strange thought to come right after seeing such a graphic death. my first reaction to those words were, “easy?? easy???? that was hardly anything but easy…” but what it meant was that what i just watched was a movie. it was a bunch of makeup and latex. yes, it was hard work and an excruciating process for both the actors and the audience to go through, but in reality, we can never grasp the sheer massiveness of Christ’s sacrifice. there is just no way we, with our finite minds, can ever fathom the extent of the experience – no amount of blood or torture will ever do it justice. no words, no images, no thoughts. we just don’t know. and the worst experience we can imagine is comparatively easy to what it took for Jesus to defeat Satan. and all for us?!!!

so i come away from this movie realizing two things. one, that Jesus Christ is more real to me than i thought. and two, that i can identify with Paul when he said that he was the worst of sinners. i am taken aback at the graciousness and generosity of God. and i am in full admiration of the perseverence of Christ – that He did not turn away and take the easy road out.

all for me.

all for you.

all for us.