As I browse the magazines in the checkout line at the grocery I notice that the majority of cover stories are either about celebrities getting married or breaking up. It makes me wonder what the difference is between a marriage that lasts a lifetime, and a marriage that ends because of sickness, poverty, unfaithfulness, falling out of love, or other changes in life. I believe a major contributing factor to a marriage lasting or not is the mentality of the couple going into marriage.
Some couples have a rental mentality when it comes to their marriage, and others have a purchase mentality. I’m not going to argue which one is better, but I just want to point out that there is a big difference.
It’s similar to the decision to rent or buy a home to live in. I’ve rented my fair share of apartments and basement suites. In most cases I’d sign a one-year lease, pay a damage deposit, and move my stuff in. I knew I wouldn’t stay in the place for long so I never invested much time, energy, or money in improving the place. I would stick cheap posters on the wall with masking tape, the furniture would never match or really fit properly and the only things I fixed in the house were done with duct tape.
I remember when Olive and I first started dating and she came to visit me. Her first comment about my place was, “This looks like a bachelor pad.” I don’t think that was a compliment.
The truth with a rental is that if I found something at a better price, with a more convenient location, a nicer view, or more space, I will leave my old place and get the new place. Or if I get a new job in another city, want to quit my job to travel, or just crave a change of scenery, I would find a new home. Why? Because I can. I’m not committed beyond my initial one-year lease, and although moving is a hassle, it is not too difficult.
In contrast, when Olive and I bought our first place together, I treated it very differently. We invested in buying furniture that matched and fit well in the space. We hung paintings on the wall (and even bought proper hanging hooks to do this). When the shower wasn’t working well, we researched to find the right part to fix it properly (no duct tape was used).
With our new house, we are planning to start a garden in our back yard. It will take us at least a few years for us to figure out how to do this well and actually get fruits and vegetables to grow. But because we purchased this home and are committed to staying here long-term, it makes sense to invest in the hard work of starting a garden. I never even considered starting a garden when I rented.
The same thing applies to a marriage. If you treat your marriage like a rental, you end up investing less in the relationship. And because you have invested less, it makes it easier to leave when you want to. But if you treat your marriage like a purchase, you invest for the long-term.
Here’s a real life example: One of the more difficult things in a marriage is developing a good relationship with the in-laws. Olive’s parents live in Toronto, and we only see them 1-2 times every year. As with any relationship, it takes time and energy to build a good relationship with them. Because Olive and I are committed to our marriage for the rest of our lives, I know that spending the effort to develop a relationship with my in-laws is worth it. Even if it takes 5 years to really develop a good relationship with them, if my in-laws live until they are 80 years old, I would still have 15 years to enjoy that relationship. But, if my marriage is a rental and I think it might only last for 5-6 years, then I would not put in the time and energy to build the relationship with my father-in-law and mother-in-law.
The rental vs. purchase mentality also applies to other dynamics of a marriage, like learning how to resolve conflict well, developing a satisfying sex life, and figuring out what really makes your spouse mad (and how to minimize this occurance).
When it comes to a marriage, the more you commit, the more you invest. The more you invest, the better things get. And the better things get, and the more you commit.
photo credit: rogiro