About ten years ago someone accused me of something that I absolutely had not done. It came like a lightning bolt out of the blue and obsessed me — how could this person believe that I had acted in a way that was completely unethical, and that went against everything that I believed? What had spurred this false accusation? And most importantly, how could I get my reputation back, even if it was just with this one person?
I confided my predicament to my mother. In truth, it was really MY problem because the person who had accused me went blithely on with her own life, with no indication that she knew or cared about the upheaval that she had caused me. But I was distraught.
My mother, a quiet, unassuming lady who nevertheless maintained a strong sense of self, told me that it had happened to her on a few occasions. She gave me the best piece of advice that I’d ever heard. “When someone says something like that to me,” she said, “I just say ‘I’m sorry,’ and then I go on and do whatever I was going to do anyway.”
It hit me — it was brilliant. Those two words — I’m sorry — can take the wind out of anyone’s sails, but the person who said it isn’t obligated to change anything (unless they really ARE sorry). It just diffuses the entire situation immediately and allows everyone to move on.
In the ensuing years my children –five of them — grew up to become young adults whom I love dearly. Frankly, I don’t always agree with all of their decisions yet our relationship is close and loving because I say “I’m sorry” at the drop of a hat.
I’m not always sorry. Sometimes I could wring their necks. But I say “I’m sorry” and, like magic, our family unit continues to putter along. Many friends and relatives have noted that my kids’ relationships with each other is much closer than is often observed among adult siblings in other families, and I think — I hope — that I’ve been able to set an example of coexistence that enables my children to learn how to maintain their connections despite their differences. During holiday times and vacations they always come back to our family home, even though they have other options. They WANT to be here, and that pleases me.
There are two other tips that I have learned from people who are much wiser than I am. When I employ those ideas, I’m able to stay on good terms with almost everyone.
If something disturbs me seriously I will often write a letter which allows me to express my feelings in a non-judgmental yet factual manner. I always wait at least 24 hours before I send the letter, review it, change it, and make sure that I’ve managed to address my feelings without criticism or insults. This system has also given me the opportunity to have my say without ruining relationships.
Finally, and most importantly, I keep my mouth shut. A lot. Even when I feel that I’m about to explode. Not only does it allow everyone to cool down without exposing raw nerves more than necessary but it’s also enabled me to act afterward, when needed, in an atmosphere of quiet and calm.
I wouldn’t presume to hang out a shingle to dispense relationship advice, but I live in a small town where people’s lives are intertwined. My friends, neighbors and even my own children have told me that I have a reputation as someone who “gets along with everyone.” I believe that some of the ideas that I’ve presented here have formed the base of that reputation, a reputation that I value.
About the Author:
Laurie Rappeport has lived in Safed, Israel for 25 years and has been involved in tourism for 13 years, helping to bring visitors to Safed to enjoy the religious, historial, cultural, and artistic sites and experiences the city has to offer. You can find Laurie at her blog, Home in Safed.
photo credit: *vlad*