Tim and Olive's Blog

This week, we told our immediate family.  When we told my (O’s) mom, her first question was, “Is the baby due in November?”  I said it was either late November or early December.  She said she had been praying for us and had asked God to give us a November baby because I love the number 11:11 (side note: it’s my favourite minute and I think it merits a little dance whenever it appears on a digital clock).  I hadn’t even thought of that.  November of this year will be 11-11.  Will our baby be born on November 11th at 11:11:11?  Haha…  Would that be overdoing it?  I guess we’ll find out in seven months!

As the saying goes, hindsight is 20/20.  Back in January, our car got hit as I was driving home one sunny afternoon and even then, I thought “This was such a random accident, there must be more to this.”  It was the second car totaled in four months.  It took us another six weeks to find a replacement car and at the time, I was so swamped with school work that I didn’t even go with T when he went to shop for a new car.

He ended up choosing a 2001 Toyota Camry and the second I saw it, I knew this car would be our family car.  I could picture our kids in the back.  We would have it for a while.  Little did I expect that a mere month after getting this car, I would be pregnant! 

If I ever doubt the existence of God, I need only think of circumstances like this where timing could not be any more perfect.  Some could chalk it up to “coincidence” but I’ve seen this happen too many times in my life not to believe in Someone greater who loves me.

In these early days of pregnancy, I am quickly learning a new dimension of what it means to be a servant.  My body has pressing needs that I cannot ignore.  Every couple of hours, I have to eat.  And I can’t just eat anything.  There are certain foods that agree more with my stomach and are more nutritious.  So I have to be thoughtful in selecting what I eat.  And thanks to improved kidney function, I also find myself in the ladies room more often than before (and I already thought I had a small bladder!).  It’s as if I have an internal butler that is always asking, “What would you like?  How are you feeling?  How can I make things more comfortable for you?”

I realize that this is only the beginning of this path of servanthood.  There are yet many sacrifices to be made and needs to be met.  If I am not careful about being honest about my feelings with God, I know I could easily become resentful of this child who is so utterly dependent on me right now.  I need to keep remembering Jesus and His example of joy and selflessness.  That is the only way I can love well.

I find it interesting now that Mary’s response to the angel’s news of her impending pregnancy was, “I am the Lord’s servant” (Luke 1:38).  I suspect that she had no idea just how much would be required of her.  But her humility and desire to bless gives me inspiration to do the same.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011 at 3:00am, I woke up feeling like I needed to pee. Just before waking up, I dreamt that I was at a hospital getting a pregnancy test done and for some reason there were other people hanging around when the doctor was giving me the instructions. I turned to them and ratted them out for being so rude and staring at me. “This is important!” I yelled at them. “Stop staring at me and mind your own business!” (I told Tim about this later in the day and he said I was hormonal even in my dreams… Haha)

Anyway, I had been told that pregnancy tests work best first thing in the morning and my period was late so I decided to try out one of the cheap internet bought pregnancy test strips. In my groggy state, I stared as one and then two lines appeared. “You’re kidding,” I muttered to myself. I had not expected this – not this month anyway. The last three weeks had been so stressful and chaotic for us with Tim’s grandfather suffering a stroke and being hospitalized and then his parents’ emergency visit to Vancouver. I had also gone away for a week for a class intensive. I had thought this month was out in terms of trying for a baby.

Obviously, God thought otherwise.

Seeing the first test come out positive, I got out a second more expensive test to confirm things. Sure enough, a blue + showed up in the window. Wow, God. Really?

I headed back to bed and tried to sleep. My thoughts were obviously racing. Unable to calm myself, I woke Tim up and told him the news. The first words out of his mouth were, “How do you know?!” Ha. This would be the first (but definitely not last) time that our baby would wake him up and keep him up in the middle of the night! We prayed together, for the baby and for ourselves. And then we talked a bit about when he or she might be born. By then I was hungry so I got up to eat. The rest of the morning, sleep was elusive but we both managed to get a few more hours in.

Today has felt like we’ve been living in a cloud. We are waiting until the doctor confirms things on Monday before we start telling our family. How are we going to keep this in for so long? Grace, I suppose. Everything is grace.

They say that couples try to conceive for eight months on average before getting pregnant. If it’s true, then say hi to an average couple. =)

In the short span of four months, I was in two car accidents that resulted in the total loss of a car.  The first one was pretty cut and dry: I was rear ended.  That was that.  The second one left me feeling more uncertain.

I was hit on a Friday afternoon.  I had to wait the entire weekend before I could find out how much damage had been done to the car.  And I had to wait even longer to find out whether I would be held responsible or not.  Over that weekend, I thought much about the accident and replayed the scene over and over in my mind.  I thought about the other driver, who accused me of not driving safely.  I felt anxious, afraid and angry.  As I tried to fall asleep, the thought occurred to me, “Jesus paid it all.”  Jesus paid for my mistakes, just as He paid for the other driver’s mistakes. 

I hated the feeling of uncertainty.  By all evidence, I should not be held responsible (and in the end, I wasn’t).  But I could not know for sure until I got the letter saying so.  Feeling so uncertain about this verdict made me very grateful that at the end of this age, when we stand at the Final Judgment, I can be certain that I will be declared innocent.  

Being in two accidents in four months also left me feeling insecure about driving.  I felt like vowing to never sit behind a steering wheel again.  But as I thought about it, I knew that to make such a vow would be to let the drivers “out there” control my decisions.  It would essentially be allowing fear to dictate my life choices.  And that wouldn’t do.  Because I had decided long ago that I would not let fear choose for me.  Jesus paid for my freedom and I would live in it.  I would trust that God would protect me and I would believe that His angels surrounded my car.  After all, as my husband says, “We’re invincible until we die.”

With Christmas just a day away, I have been pondering the various characters found in the Christmas narrative.  It occurred to me that if Joseph was like me at all, he could have had the following conversation with God:

[Setting: A stable in Bethlehem.  A few hours after Mary delivered baby Jesus.  Joseph makes sure both of them are sleeping and steps outside for some fresh air.]

Joseph [looking up at the night sky]:  
God, I’m so sorry for how this turned out. I really didn’t mean for your Son to be born in a stable.  I’ve failed you miserably, haven’t I?  I can’t believe how improper a place we ended up in!  I’m so embarrassed.  I could have called ahead or sent someone to book a room for us at least.  But then again, it would have been unlikely that anyone would have taken us in, especially when Mary was so close to labour.  People don’t want the messiness of a birth in their house, especially not the birth of a child with questionable origins…  Anyway, again, I’m really sorry God.  You trusted me with taking care of your Son and I’ve already botched it.  I wish I could provide better for Jesus – and Mary, too.  [Sighs.]Under the twinkling stars, Joseph hears this response from God:
Joseph, Joseph… relax!  You’ve done your best.  It was honourable of you to have brought Mary with you to Bethlehem, especially when everyone could see she was pregnant.  You put your reputation on the line for me.  That matters to me.  Besides, now that you’re not at the inn, I can invite whomever I want to come visit!  The shepherds will be here shortly.  You know, Joseph, don’t be so hard on yourself.  I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.

—————-

Have you felt like Joseph?  What is God’s response to you?

Generally, I don’t post about my marriage but today I am feeling particularly thankful.  So in this rare moment, I will risk sounding like a sap and share a bit of what I usually keep private.

I had always wanted to get married, but I hadn’t truly expected to.  When Tim and I were making the decision about whether or not to take our friendship to a deeper level and explore the possibility of getting married to each other, it came as a bit of a surprise to me.  And the main reason I said yes to dating him was because I felt like God was clearly telling me to give it a chance. 

Little did I realize how much grace God wanted to pour into my life through the person I now call my husband.  Perhaps it was my independant spirit that always resisted the idea of being taken care of, but I think that being in this covenental relationship has finally given me a place of safety where I don’t always have to have it all together.

Take today as an example.  Today has been a particularly difficult day for me.  I’ve felt sluggish, exhausted and even my bones are achy.  The most frustrating thing is that I can’t even begin to suggest a cause for this blah-dom.  Tim went out over lunch and came home to find me still in my pajamas, curled up on the couch, attempting to sleep the day away.  His reponse?  He held me and told me he loved me.  Even in my blah-ness. 

It’s times like these that I struggle the most to love myself.  Yet there he was, telling me he loved me.

Perhaps this is my imagination running wild, but I can picture this happening.  God looked at me and thought Olive sure doesn’t get my grace. I need to send a special agent. Who should I send?  Oh, I know.  I’ll send Tim.  He’ll be my daily reminder to her that she is unconditionally loved.

Thanks, God.  Your special agent is accomplishing his mission.  

I recently watched part of “Entertaining Angels,” a movie about the life of Dorothy Day.  One scene in particular moved me deeply and has stayed with me till now.  (You can watch it here.)  In this scene, Dorothy comes home to find her good friend Maggie stealing all her money for a drink.  In a fit of rage, Maggie assaults Dorothy.  Just as Dorothy is about to fight back, she suddenly softens toward Maggie and says to her, “I see the light in you.”  Dorothy then proceeds to speak of all the redeeming qualities she sees in her friend, rendering her defenseless against grace.

In scriptures, Jesus tells us two back-to-back parables that illustrate to us this extravagantly gracious nature of our God.  In the first, a prodigal son is unexpectedly welcomed home (Luke 15).  In the second, a sly and sneaky manager is surprisingly commended for being clever (Luke 16).  God sees the good in us and doesn’t hesistate to call it out by naming it.

I once heard a psychologist explain a graph called the JoHari window.  It describes, in four quadrants, the relationship between what we know about ourselves, what we don’t know about ourselves, what others know about us and what others don’t know about us.   The psychologist also made a remarkable observation:  for most people, the majority of what they don’t know about themselves but others know about them are positive things.

As I’ve reflected on this idea that most of us go about our lives having no clue about the goodness that lies within us, I am moved to ask God to help me be a person who both sees and calls out this good in others.  Afterall, this is what God does as well.

While reading a book about Sabbath last week, I came across this new way of looking at my day.  In ancient Jewish custom, they considered the evening the start of the new day.  So in essence, the first thing they did each day was sleep.  The idea was that while you slept, God would begin His work.  And when it came time for you to wake up, you would simply be joining God in the work He had already been doing.

Thinking about my days this way has revolutionized my attitude toward sleeping as well as waking.  When my head hits the pillow, I say “God, here’s another day for You to work!” and I sleep sweetly, knowing that He taking care of the world and everything in my life.  When my alarm goes off, even if I’m groggy, I still recognize that God has been preparing this day for me.  That thought makes getting up and going so much more inviting.  Curiosity for what God has in store helps get me out of bed!

This afternoon, I stood beside my friends as they buried their stillborn child.  Their son had only lived 24 weeks in the womb and hadn’t survived to see the light of day.

After a brief but touching service, they lowered the tiny casket into the ground.  For the most part of the funeral, it had been grey and overcast.  The wind would come every so often, reminding us it was still winter.  As we said our final goodbyes to this precious baby we’d never met, the skies opened and the raindrops began to fall.  In literature, they call this pathetic fallacy – when the weather reflects the events that are happening.  Today, I would say it God was weeping with us.