Tim and Olive's Blog

I’ve had this post incubating for a while now and I have finally written down what’s been on my mind. Those who know me might be surprised that I’m writing about the topic of sex. But I think (and hope) what I have to share here might be of help to someone out there. It’s so commonly addressed in the media, but so rarely among friends – at least among the people I know.Anyway, growing up in a conservative Chinese Christian culture, I was always taught that sex is reserved for a man and a woman inside of marriage. I agreed with that principle (and I still do), so I naively assumed that I wouldn’t have to think about it until I was married, or at least when I was ready for marriage. Sure it was an intriguing topic, but I put it on a shelf in my brain somewhere in a dusty corner. As I grew through my teenage years and university, I not only tried to stay away from sex, I found myself distancing myself from guys. And from what I saw on TV and in movies, and especially after reading books like “Every Man’s Battle,” my perception of men was that they were sexual animals who could pounce at any moment. I’ve since learned that they are not, but back then I was afraid of them. And afraid of my own sexuality. When Tim and I started dating, I was challenged to re-evaluate my assumptions. Could I trust this man to continue honouring me even when I was attractive to him? Was it possible to have a healthy acceptance of our sexuality without jumping into bed? To my surprise, the answer to both of those questions was Yes. In a particularly enlightening conversation, Tim told me that when I looked nice for him, it helped him to fight lust – because it reminded him that I was worth waiting for. And I learned that my sexuality was just as much a part of my whole person when I was unmarried, and that acceptance of it did not mean that I had to engage in sexual behaviour. I had to unlearn false perceptions about sex and learn about God’s view of sex. I also had to learn to trust Tim and his leadership of our physical interactions. In the days leading up to our wedding when hormones were raging and impatience was a common companion, I realized that in order for two people to have sex, it doesn’t “just happen.” Contrary to so many stories that I had read, each person must decide to go forward with it. (I am not talking about cases of rape, where one is willfully forced upon.) In a sense, I was shocked to discover that I had more control over myself than what I’d been told. When God tells us His Spirit is one of self-control, He means it! Now that I’m five whopping months into marriage (and counting!), I have come to a point where I accept and even celebrate that my humanity includes my sexuality. I’m still continuing to figure out what healthy sexuality looks like, but I must say that it’s been quite a journey toward wholeness for me.

I find it interesting that scripture tells us that it’s God’s kindness that leads us to repentance. Scripture doesn’t say that God’s justice leads us to repentance. It makes me wonder whether the phrase, “Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is near!” means not so much “Repent, for your judgement is near” as “Repent, for your LOVE is near”? Perhaps the motivation for repentance comes not from a fear of punishment but rather, repentance happens because it pains us to hurt Someone who loves us so much? It would seem that the latter motivation would be more in line with the character of God.

Just yesterday, God gently told me that He misses having conversations with me – and if I was honest with myself, I missed having conversations with Him. I had gone from the extreme of almost legalistic duty of spending time daily in the quietness of His presence to the other extreme of “freedom” and just doing whatever I felt like. God’s love was beckoning me to come back to a place of discipline and consistency. I repented not because I feared judgement, but because I no longer wanted to hurt the One who loves me most.

It makes me think about how we approach people who are living in sin. As the people of God, are we trying to lead people to repentance through kindness? What are people hearing when they hear that the Kingdom of God is near? Do they hear Judgement is near? Or Love is near?

Once in a while, when I flip back and re-read past journal entries, I come across some gems. Tonight was one of those moments and I couldn’t help but post this excerpt. Enjoy.

I used to think that sin wrecked us. But now I see that even sin, though ugly and horrible, did and does not have the power to destroy the inherent noble qualities of God in us. So it is appropriate to pray that HE increase and I decrease in the sense that my sin has less and less of a hold on my life. But the role of the Holy Spirit does not manifest Christ in our lives at the expense of our uniqueness as children of the King. Instead, the way He becomes greater is to enable us to fully live out His vision for us.

I used to think that Christ is the only valuable part of me. But if I was not valuable without Christ, He would not have died for me. Now that I have Christ, I am not more valuable, but I can truly live out my value and no longer be concerned about proving it.

Just for fun, I’m taking a six-class course in introductory belly dancing. This past Thursday, as I stood there with about a dozen other women, I was suddenly aware of the presence in Christ with me in that room. And the thought came to my head, “Jesus is here belly dancing with me!” It made me chuckle.

I don’t watch TV often, but the other night, I caught an interesting show called The Secret Millionaire. Over the course of an hour (with too many commercials for it to feel like a worthwhile use of my time), the show followed a wealthy businessman and his son as they left their cushy lives and lived on a welfare allowance among the poor for a week. Their goal was to find out who needed it the most and give away at least $100,000 of their own money.

After it was over, it occurred to me that I had just watched a short term mission trip of sorts. And then I realized, that’s a scaled down version of what Jesus did. He left His life of security and glory in order to know what it was like to live among the poor. But He gave away much more than money. He gave us His life.

I realized recently that many in my community of friends are weary jet setters who are so used to the transient life that they are having a hard time “landing.” In one humourous conversation with two of my friends who’d just returned to Canada, one of them said she had a hard time grasping the idea that she had just signed up for a 3 year phone contract. My other friend piped in and said, “Yeah, I just signed a four year car lease!” I looked at both of them and said, “I know. I just got married.”

Last night, Tim and I watched The Devil Wears Prada. I see similarities between myself and Andy, the main character who cared nothing about fashion yet found herself working for one of the biggest personalities in the fashion industry.

I have a husband, a home and a secure place of work. And I live in a beautiful city with many good friends. While many people I know have asked for this kind of life, I never did. I honestly wasn’t chasing after this life. Sure, deep down I longed for it. But I was expecting something completely opposite to this, actually. Just over two short years ago, I was gearing up for a future of singleness, moving around and much transition. And I thought I would be living in pollution central.

God has a funny way of interrupting my plans. I realize that I often expect the worst of Him. As if it wouldn’t be right if He gave me a life that met my needs. As if I should only think that the hardest path for me to take would be the one He would pick out for me. I subscribe too much to the “deny myself” camp without really believing that Jesus loves me.

I forget His grace.

What puzzles me is why someone like me who wasn’t even looking for these things, gets them, while so many others keep wishing.

The answer to that, I suppose, is also His grace.

I don’t know if anyone is even reading this blog anymore. My posts have been very slow as of late. The interesting thing is, it doesn’t concern me anymore whether anyone reads.

Now that my wedding is over and I’m relatively settled, I want to write again. I miss my times of thinking and gaining new insights.

I’m longing for a new rhythm for my days. I feel like I’ve been living on the surface for too long and I want to go deep again.

The reason the vine and its branches are such a true parable of the Christian life is that all nature has one source and breathes one air. The plant world was created to be to man an object lesson teaching him his entire dependence upon God and his security in that dependence. He who clothes the lilies will much more clothe us. He who gives the trees and the vines their beauty and their fruits, making each what He meant it to be, will much more certainly make us what He would have us be. The only difference is that what God works in the trees is by a power of which they are not conscious. He wants to work in us with our consent. This is the nobility of man, that he has a will that can cooperate with God in understanding an approving and accepting what He offers to do.
~Andrew Murray, The True Vine

I’m amazed at the grace God extends to me.

I had been wanting to meet up with someone today – no person in particular, just any friend – but my attempts in contacting my friends weren’t successful. I didn’t even want to talk to God about it because I felt like He’d already given me so much and I’d just be like a whiny kid pestering Him. So I resigned myself to a day at home by myself. Then I get a call this afternoon from a friend who happened to take the wrong bus and stopped right downstairs of my place. Of course, I invited her up and we had a good time reconnecting. I told her about how she was an answer to an unspoken prayer.

Which reminds me, another unspoken prayer that God seems to have answered is connecting us with a wedding photographer in Vancouver. We’re meeting on Friday – so we’ll see how that goes!

It seems like there are all these needs and wants I have on my heart that God’s beat me to. It feels a little weird – as if He can read my mind… oh wait, He can.

Before a word is on my tongue
you know it completely, O LORD.
~Psalm 139:4~