Tim and Olive's Blog

You know when you’ve truly forgiven and you’re ready to “forget what lies behind” when you can talk about it.
~Pastor Mark Driscoll

Last week I had a dream about receiving a red pocket for Chinese New Year (yah, I enjoy getting money ;p)… In my dream, no matter how many times I tried to count how much was in it, I couldn’t get my numbers straight. It didn’t matter which bill I started to count with, I would get lost partway through and I’d have to start over. In the end, I gave up trying to know how much was in that red pocket.

I think this is a picture of the blessings God gives us. I cannot quantify them, no matter how much I try to count them! And sometimes, His blessings don’t appear to be blessings so I miscount.

I also think this dream is symbolic of trying to predict or figure God out. It simply cannot be done.

In the end, my response to God can only be to receive His gifts and His person with gratitude. Because I’m luckier than I’ll ever know.

I’ve been told (and I have seen) that it’s very common for people who come back from serving overseas to have a difficult time re-adjusting to church in North America. Personally, I find it true of myself. In a sense, I’m glad for this difficulty because it’s forcing me to examine my beliefs about church and dig into the Word – instead of just going with what I’ve been brought up to accept as truth.

I have a theory as to why overseas missionaries (perhaps those in closed countries in particular) have a difficult time with the re-adjustment. I think it has to do with the depth of fellowship Christians share when they’re “on the field.” God is very much a part of every part of life. And transparency between fellow believers is a gift readily given and received. From talking about Biblical questions to bowel movements, there is a level of closeness that is reminiscent of family.

Since being back, I’ve been attending Sunday services regularly, but I find that that’s not where church is for me. It’s during the week, in my conversations with friends as we connect in the deeper places of the heart, that’s where my soul knows I am part of a larger body and Christ’s love is intersecting with life. It is in those moments that my heart is brought to a place of reverence and awe of God – a spontaneous place of worship that comes from somewhere deep within.

And so I have questions. What is the role of the church now? In an age where quality Biblical teaching can be downloaded and listened to any day and worship music is readily available, why do we still gather? If we claim to gather for fellowship and corporate worship but we aren’t willing to be open with each other and wrestle together through the tough and dirty stuff, what’s the point? What would it take for a congregation to truly take on characteristics of being a family and go beyond Sunday morning pleasantries?

I’m searching for answers. And I have a suspicion I’m not the only one.

I’m not sure why, but the recent violence in Kenya has touched a tender spot in my heart. Perhaps it’s all the unnecessary killings and seeing the futility of trying to use violence to bring about change. I don’t know. But I read the news and my heart weeps as I imagine all the displaced people who are living in such terror day and night. All that chaos with no where to turn.

And I’m halfway around the world enjoying my comfortable home and stable life.

I went on the Canadian Food for the Hungry site to see if there was anything I could do to bring Christ’s love and presence to these people. According to the site, there are an estimated 250,000 people who are displaced because of this turmoil. That means, to help each person with only a dollar, that would be $250,000.

Sigh. I’m sad that I cannot even give 1 cent of help to each person. But I can trust that what I can give, the Lord has accepted and blessed.

For as long as I can remember, I’d wanted to be a wife and a mother. On my sixteenth birthday, I asked God for a boyfriend (seeing as that was the logical first step toward attaining my heart’s desire). In His grace, He let that request wait for another 9 years. In those years of waiting and hoping, I grew in my experience of God’s personal presence and gained a deepened passion for sharing Christ with others. I let my dream of marriage lie dormant and decided to focus my energies on growing in my walk with God and serving people. Afterall, thinking about my struggle with singleness was rather painful and seemed counter-productive. Didn’t Paul say that those who are single can focus themselves more fully on serving the Lord?

What I didn’t realize was that I was slowly adopting a belief that singleness was somehow holier than being married; especially since it looked like God was heading me in the direction of full-time vocational overseas ministry and frankly, that limited even further my already slim chances of getting married (or so I thought). In a way, attaching holiness to singleness was a sort of consolation for my aching heart. But even in history, we see the tradition of monks and nuns renouncing marriage to devote themselves to the Lord in celibacy. And those who are married, we admire for their contributions to the Kingdom despite being married.

God began challenging this belief when Tim and I started courting. And reading Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas the last couple days has challenged me further. This book has helped me understand that marriage is another vehicle God uses to shape His character into our lives. That it isn’t holier either way – remaining single or getting married. Serving the Lord by caring for a husband, doing dishes and laundry and other everyday tasks is just as precious to Him as serving Him by staying unmarried and going to the ends of the earth preaching the gospel. What matters is we become more like Him.

Holiness is something God wants to shape in us regardless of our circumstances. And in some ways, being married requires harder work and more selflessness. Living through the ups and downs of life while continuously seeking to love another requires commitment and humility. (I write these things as observations I’ve gathered from reading, but it makes sense to me.)

I remember once meeting a woman of God who had just decided to come back from the mission field so that she could get married. I couldn’t understand then why she would choose that. I think I’m starting to see it now.

Thinking about direction in life, Tim often reminds me that it’s not about what we want to do or accomplish in life, but who we want to become. He told me about a conversation recently where he realized that what we build our lives around a) we need to be intentional about and b) really make a difference later in life.

We need to be intentional: Each of us is born into an environment where a certain set of values is passed on to us. As we mature into adults, we have a choice – to keep those values by default or to think them through and come up with our own. If we are not carefully intentional about it, we will end up drifting through life and passively allowing values which are not necessarily our own to shape us. None of us lives without values in place. It’s just whether or not we’re conscious of them.

The second idea is linked to the first. If, for example, the value of work is passed on and a person adopts it as their own (either consciously or unconsciously) and centers their lives upon work, when they retire, their whole world needs to be reoriented. This then becomes a rather disorienting experience. (This can also apply to family, health, wealth, etc.) If, on the other hand, a person carefully thinks through their life priorities and centers their lives on becoming a person with certain characteristics, or knowing or loving God to their best ability, even when life circumstances change, they do not need to reorient their lives.

With this in mind, I have been thinking about who I want to become. I’ve come up with two qualities so far:
1. To be an obedient child of God: one whose heart is acutely attuned and responsive to Him.
2. To be a person of grace: one who lives freely in the grace of Christ and extends it to others.

I suspect there will be more qualities to come, but we’ll start from here. ;)

Olive, for an introvert, you sure know a lot of people. Why is that?

Um… good question.

I really think that all the people I know have been placed into my life by God. I’m not one for big parties, intentional networking or lots of socializing, so it is at least a small mystery as to how I’ve gotten connected to so many people.

I see my friendships as a collection of sorts. It’s like each time I meet a new friend, a little space in my heart is created for them. And each new place I go to, my heart gathers some new friends. I can’t explain why people are so dear to me, but they are.

I guess I’m a people-loving introvert. :D They tend to drain me, but I love them so! This, I’m sure, is also a work of God.

Flipping through some old journals last night, I came across this entry. It was written at a height of my struggle with singleness but in re-reading it, I think the truths embedded are applicable to other times of “darkness” as well. It came as a response to the above passage. I pray this will encourage you.

I picture myself in a cave. My eyes are open yet I see nothing. It’s pitch dark. I hear a voice though. A gentle, inviting voice; confident and firm. A familiar voice. Recognition of the voice makes my heart leap and a smile break across my face. No one can see it, of course, because it’s so dark. I turn and face the voice. “Reach out and hold my hand,” He says. Where is your hand? I wonder. I stretch out my hand and instantly, it is wrapped in warmth. How wonderful! I am not alone in here! What’s more, the One who holds my hand knows the way out – afterall, He did make this place.

Suddenly, we realize Someone is watching us. Full of joy, we turn to Him. Can we walk the rest of the way together? Yes, of course, He replies. That’s why I brought you here.

The Word for today in Streams in the Desert is from Deuteronomy 11:10-12:

For the land, into which you are entering to possess it, is not like the land of Egypt from which you came, where you used to sow your seed and water it with your foot like a vegetable garden. But the land into which you are about to cross to possess it, a land of hills and valleys, drinks water from the rain of heaven, a land for which the LORD your God cares; the eyes of the LORD your God are always on it, from the beginning even to the end of the year.[NASB]

This first day of the new year, we stand on the threshold to another 365 days that lie ahead of us. To me, this passage speaks truth about my life. The land I came from was a land of self-effort. It was a small land, a garden patch. The land I am about to possess is a land of hills and valleys – a vast expanse of discovery, joys and sorrows. It is a land that is cared for by the LORD Himself. I look forward in anticipation to possessing this land that offers me a fullness and richness that I could not come about by my own work.

I read this verse to my mom tonight and she asked the question, “Are you ready?” Ready for what? I wondered. “A lot of people aren’t ready for hills and valleys.” I don’t feel unready. I am confident because I know God will only lead me there when I’m ready and that when that time comes, He will go with me.

Bring on 2008!

In the last 365 days, here is where the good Lord has brought me (in order):

• Toronto

• Vancouver

• Panama

• Vancouver

• Toronto

• Vancouver

• Colorado

• Vancouver

• Whistler

• Vancouver

• Toronto

• East Asia

• Toronto

• East Asia

• Toronto.

A lot of people travel more than this, I know. I suppose travelling needs to be differentiated from moving though. For me, I’ve moved at least four times in the midst of all the travelling. For a creature who is a homebody by nature, this is an amount of packing, unpacking and moving that borders on being classified as extreme!

Still, I’m deeply grateful for this year. I’m grateful for the opportunity to have been in all these places, for all the people I’ve met and all the lessons I’ve learned. I’m grateful for my parents who’ve allowed me to journey away and keep welcoming me back, even when I come back worse for the wear. And I’m very grateful for Tim, who’s persisted in courting me through all these changes of distance, time zones and my moods that fluctuate faster than either of us can keep track of.

At the end of this year, my heart is full of praise because I know God that much more intimately. And Jesus is my heart’s treasure more than ever.

I’m tired, yes. But His grace is allowing me to rest now. And by His grace, it’s going to be a