Tim and Olive's Blog

That’s right, I’m a closet addict and I’m coming clean now. It might not be the kind of addiction you’re used to hearing about, but it’s sapping the life out of me and I need to get out.

I’m an approval addict.

God has exposed this stronghold in my heart and I’m going into a period of rehabilitation. I’ve been using my writing, my blogs, my updates and newsletters as a secret way of feeding this addiction. I’ve been trying to satisfy my cravings with praises of people when only the opinion of Lord Himself matters.

This idolatry has to stop.

So I’m going cold turkey until my heart is free from the need to build my worth upon people’s opinions about me.

Thanks for sticking with me this far. I have hope that I will be back blogging again someday. I really do love writing and seeing God use it to bless. In the meantime, if God brings me to your mind, please say a prayer for me. I know God will use this time of silence for the good of all of us.

There is a time for everything,
And a season for every activity under heaven.
A time to be silent and a time to speak.
~Ecclesiastes 3:1,7~

Having spent at least 2/3rds of our courtship so far being long-distance, Tim and I have rather enjoyed the wonderful invention of the webcam. Not only do we get to talk to each other (and for free, too, thanks to another wonderful invention called Skype), we get to see each other while we talk. It’s as if all those miles and timezones between us melt away.

Almost.

The rare occasions when we’ve gotten to see each other in person, we realize how much richer the experience is when we’re face-to-face, not separated by a screen. We appreciate the other person’s being and presence to a fuller extent.

I often think about this and relate it to the passage in 1 Corinthians where Paul talks about seeing God face-to-face. How absolutely glorious it will be when we get to stand in His real and actual presence! How delightful it will be to begin to fully appreciate the fullness of Who He is!

So, if I may paraphrase this passage in today’s language, it would be…

Now we see but a fuzzy time-delayed image as over a webcam; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
~1 Corinthians 13:12 [Olive’s paraphrase]

You know when you’ve truly forgiven and you’re ready to “forget what lies behind” when you can talk about it.
~Pastor Mark Driscoll

But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
~Philippans 3:13-14~

Last week I had a dream about receiving a red pocket for Chinese New Year (yah, I enjoy getting money ;p)… In my dream, no matter how many times I tried to count how much was in it, I couldn’t get my numbers straight. It didn’t matter which bill I started to count with, I would get lost partway through and I’d have to start over. In the end, I gave up trying to know how much was in that red pocket.

I think this is a picture of the blessings God gives us. I cannot quantify them, no matter how much I try to count them! And sometimes, His blessings don’t appear to be blessings so I miscount.

I also think this dream is symbolic of trying to predict or figure God out. It simply cannot be done.

In the end, my response to God can only be to receive His gifts and His person with gratitude. Because I’m luckier than I’ll ever know.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.
~Ephesians 3:20-21~

I’ve been told (and I have seen) that it’s very common for people who come back from serving overseas to have a difficult time re-adjusting to church in North America. Personally, I find it true of myself. In a sense, I’m glad for this difficulty because it’s forcing me to examine my beliefs about church and dig into the Word – instead of just going with what I’ve been brought up to accept as truth.

I have a theory as to why overseas missionaries (perhaps those in closed countries in particular) have a difficult time with the re-adjustment. I think it has to do with the depth of fellowship Christians share when they’re “on the field.” God is very much a part of every part of life. And transparency between fellow believers is a gift readily given and received. From talking about Biblical questions to bowel movements, there is a level of closeness that is reminiscent of family.

Since being back, I’ve been attending Sunday services regularly, but I find that that’s not where church is for me. It’s during the week, in my conversations with friends as we connect in the deeper places of the heart, that’s where my soul knows I am part of a larger body and Christ’s love is intersecting with life. It is in those moments that my heart is brought to a place of reverence and awe of God – a spontaneous place of worship that comes from somewhere deep within.

And so I have questions. What is the role of the church now? In an age where quality Biblical teaching can be downloaded and listened to any day and worship music is readily available, why do we still gather? If we claim to gather for fellowship and corporate worship but we aren’t willing to be open with each other and wrestle together through the tough and dirty stuff, what’s the point? What would it take for a congregation to truly take on characteristics of being a family and go beyond Sunday morning pleasantries?

I’m searching for answers. And I have a suspicion I’m not the only one.

I’m not sure why, but the recent violence in Kenya has touched a tender spot in my heart. Perhaps it’s all the unnecessary killings and seeing the futility of trying to use violence to bring about change. I don’t know. But I read the news and my heart weeps as I imagine all the displaced people who are living in such terror day and night. All that chaos with no where to turn.

And I’m halfway around the world enjoying my comfortable home and stable life.

I went on the Canadian Food for the Hungry site to see if there was anything I could do to bring Christ’s love and presence to these people. According to the site, there are an estimated 250,000 people who are displaced because of this turmoil. That means, to help each person with only a dollar, that would be $250,000.

Sigh. I’m sad that I cannot even give 1 cent of help to each person. But I can trust that what I can give, the Lord has accepted and blessed.

You must each decide in your heart how much to give. And don’t give reluctantly or in response to pressure. “For God loves a person who gives cheerfully.”
~2 Corinthians 9:7~

For as long as I can remember, I’d wanted to be a wife and a mother. On my sixteenth birthday, I asked God for a boyfriend (seeing as that was the logical first step toward attaining my heart’s desire). In His grace, He let that request wait for another 9 years. In those years of waiting and hoping, I grew in my experience of God’s personal presence and gained a deepened passion for sharing Christ with others. I let my dream of marriage lie dormant and decided to focus my energies on growing in my walk with God and serving people. Afterall, thinking about my struggle with singleness was rather painful and seemed counter-productive. Didn’t Paul say that those who are single can focus themselves more fully on serving the Lord?

What I didn’t realize was that I was slowly adopting a belief that singleness was somehow holier than being married; especially since it looked like God was heading me in the direction of full-time vocational overseas ministry and frankly, that limited even further my already slim chances of getting married (or so I thought). In a way, attaching holiness to singleness was a sort of consolation for my aching heart. But even in history, we see the tradition of monks and nuns renouncing marriage to devote themselves to the Lord in celibacy. And those who are married, we admire for their contributions to the Kingdom despite being married.

God began challenging this belief when Tim and I started courting. And reading Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas the last couple days has challenged me further. This book has helped me understand that marriage is another vehicle God uses to shape His character into our lives. That it isn’t holier either way – remaining single or getting married. Serving the Lord by caring for a husband, doing dishes and laundry and other everyday tasks is just as precious to Him as serving Him by staying unmarried and going to the ends of the earth preaching the gospel. What matters is we become more like Him.

Holiness is something God wants to shape in us regardless of our circumstances. And in some ways, being married requires harder work and more selflessness. Living through the ups and downs of life while continuously seeking to love another requires commitment and humility. (I write these things as observations I’ve gathered from reading, but it makes sense to me.)

I remember once meeting a woman of God who had just decided to come back from the mission field so that she could get married. I couldn’t understand then why she would choose that. I think I’m starting to see it now.

My purpose in writing is to…assure you that the grace of God is with you no matter what happens.
~1 Peter 5:12~

Thinking about direction in life, Tim often reminds me that it’s not about what we want to do or accomplish in life, but who we want to become. He told me about a conversation recently where he realized that what we build our lives around a) we need to be intentional about and b) really make a difference later in life.

We need to be intentional: Each of us is born into an environment where a certain set of values is passed on to us. As we mature into adults, we have a choice – to keep those values by default or to think them through and come up with our own. If we are not carefully intentional about it, we will end up drifting through life and passively allowing values which are not necessarily our own to shape us. None of us lives without values in place. It’s just whether or not we’re conscious of them.

The second idea is linked to the first. If, for example, the value of work is passed on and a person adopts it as their own (either consciously or unconsciously) and centers their lives upon work, when they retire, their whole world needs to be reoriented. This then becomes a rather disorienting experience. (This can also apply to family, health, wealth, etc.) If, on the other hand, a person carefully thinks through their life priorities and centers their lives on becoming a person with certain characteristics, or knowing or loving God to their best ability, even when life circumstances change, they do not need to reorient their lives.

With this in mind, I have been thinking about who I want to become. I’ve come up with two qualities so far:
1. To be an obedient child of God: one whose heart is acutely attuned and responsive to Him.
2. To be a person of grace: one who lives freely in the grace of Christ and extends it to others.

I suspect there will be more qualities to come, but we’ll start from here. ;)

I will show you what he is like who comes to me and hears my words and puts them into practice. He is like a man building a house, who dug down deep and laid the foundation on rock. When a flood came, the torrent struck that house but could not shake it, because it was well built. But the one who hears my words and does not put them into practice is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. The moment the torrent struck that house, it collapsed and its destruction was complete.
~Luke 6:47-49~

Olive, for an introvert, you sure know a lot of people. Why is that?

Um… good question.

I really think that all the people I know have been placed into my life by God. I’m not one for big parties, intentional networking or lots of socializing, so it is at least a small mystery as to how I’ve gotten connected to so many people.

I see my friendships as a collection of sorts. It’s like each time I meet a new friend, a little space in my heart is created for them. And each new place I go to, my heart gathers some new friends. I can’t explain why people are so dear to me, but they are.

I guess I’m a people-loving introvert. :D They tend to drain me, but I love them so! This, I’m sure, is also a work of God.

For the Lord takes delight in his people.
~Psalm 149:4~

Let him who walks in the dark,
who has no light,
trust in the name of the LORD
and rely on his God.
But now, all you who light fires
and provide yourselves with flaming torches,
go, walk in the light of your fires
and the torches you have set ablaze.
This is what you will receive from my hand:
You will lie down in torment.
~Isaiah 50:10b-11~

Flipping through some old journals last night, I came across this entry. It was written at a height of my struggle with singleness but in re-reading it, I think the truths embedded are applicable to other times of “darkness” as well. It came as a response to the above passage. I pray this will encourage you.

I picture myself in a cave. My eyes are open yet I see nothing. It’s pitch dark. I hear a voice though. A gentle, inviting voice; confident and firm. A familiar voice. Recognition of the voice makes my heart leap and a smile break across my face. No one can see it, of course, because it’s so dark. I turn and face the voice. “Reach out and hold my hand,” He says. Where is your hand? I wonder. I stretch out my hand and instantly, it is wrapped in warmth. How wonderful! I am not alone in here! What’s more, the One who holds my hand knows the way out – afterall, He did make this place.

I’m tempted to ask Him for some light so that I can make sure I don’t slip. But I realize, it’s dark for a reason. He does not want me to see what’s in here. He wants to know I trust Him. Though I can’t see myself, I know He can see me. He’s promised not to let my foot slip. So we walk.

At times, it feels like we’re going up. At times, it feels like we’re going down. There are no clues about where I am or how much longer this journey will be. Once in a while, when the terrain gets too rough, He scoops me up and carries me.

There are other voices in the cave with us. Voices that taunt me, voices that scare me.
“Why can’t you just get your own light and navigate your own way?”
“He’s taking you the long route, you know.”
“You’re so pathetic.”
“He doesn’t really care for you.”
“How are you so sure he’s leading you out of here?”
“You are such a fool.”
“You’ll never make it. You’re gonna die in here.”
I have no clue how these other voices know who I am but sometimes, what they say starts getting to me. He knows this. So when those times come, He gently squeezes my hand to remind me Who I’m walking with. Sometimes, instead of squeezing my hand, He’ll start singing. And pretty soon, His rich melodious voice drowns out (and silences?) all those other voices.

He does not tell me where we are going. Only that it will be good. As we walk, I imagine it to be like a meadow. Wide open sky, wild flowers all around, birds singing as they flit from tree to tree. And grass. Soft, lush, green grass…

“Pay attention now,” He says. I snap out of my reverie. He’s taking this opportunity to teach me things as we walk. Things about Himself, things about this world, thing about me and the rest of humanity. As I listen, I realize I still have much growing up to do. I guess I’m ok with that.

One day, we enter a place where there is light! It’s not as bright as I had imagined. “The full sunshine is still up ahead,” He tells me. He knows what I’m thinking. Even so, I’m delighted. He’s brought me through the darkness!

I look around and see a friend. I’m not sure if I’ve really met him before, but I know he’s my friend. He sees me, too. He walks over to me with a big grin. “Where have you been?” he asks. He’s been waiting for me. I explain. I tell him about the cave and the One who lead me through it, the awful voices and the lessons I learned. “Hey, I’ve been there too!” my friend chimes in. Excited, we share our stories.

Suddenly, we realize Someone is watching us. Full of joy, we turn to Him. Can we walk the rest of the way together? Yes, of course, He replies. That’s why I brought you here.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.
~Proverbs 3:5-6~