Tim and Olive's Blog

A COUNTRY CALLED BROKEN

A couple weeks ago, I was on a “long distance” bus taking me from one city to another. I sat in the far right corner of the bus in a row that was raised by just one step. As such, my sightline included the air vents above every seat in front of me, all the way to the very front. Having 8 hours with not much to do, I observed that most of the vents were broken (it didn’t help that it was a hot day and the air conditioning was finicky so everyone was trying to adjust the air flowing to their seat.) I looked at my vent. The plastic grill had fallen off who knows when and some brilliant person, who was either too hot or too cold, had stuffed an empty juice carton in the vent that was now a hole. Except it was juice-sized carton for milk. Sigh. The vent beside it was still a gaping hole.

Outside my apartment complex, there is a sidewalk that leads to the bus stop where I catch the bus everyday. The sidewalk is unlike most sidewalks in that it’s made of smallish squares of stone that are set in a pattern. The sad thing though is that the soil between the stones has eroded and some of the stones themselves are cracked. The first time I took that sidewalk, I nearly got my foot stuck in the deep crevice between the slabs of stone. I’ve since learned to watch my step.

The apartment I now live in is nicer than any apartment I’ve ever lived in on this side of the ocean. It’s spacious, it’s clean and it’s really quite comfy. When I first moved in, I noticed little patches of white dust on the edges of the hardwood-style floor. I wondered what it could be from. After a while, I realized that there are little pockets of wall that are puckering out in random spots. I still have no clue what they are, but apparently, the paint is falling off like dust and collecting in neat little piles underneath.

It’s also not uncommon for the public buses to stall every few stops.

I was reflecting on all this brokenness around me and I wondered if it ever bothers people here. They don’t seem to be phased when things don’t work or aren’t complete. Perhaps when you grow up with things not working all the time, imperfection doesn’t annoy you quite as much? I wonder if perfectionism is an issue linked to culture. I wonder if I grew up in a place like this, would I still have such a strong drive for things to be perfect? Would I still have such a problem letting go of the ideal of what I think things should be and embracing the reality of this fallen world?

Now we see things imperfectly as in a cloudy mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.
~1 Corinthians 13:12 [NLT]~

WHO IS THIS KING OF GLORY?

Recently, I’ve been reading the Word with the question, “God, what do you want to teach me about yourself?” I’ve discovered it to be a rewarding way of reading the Word. It takes my eyes off myself and teaches me more about the One whom I love most.

Being overseas again has brought me back to a place of emotional vulnerability – all my “normal” support structures aren’t as easily accessible once more. And to be honest, it’s been a hard fight for joy. God continues to expose the deep, hidden and wounded parts of me – my insecurities, doubts, sins, fears and failures; my resistance to His unconditional love and my hesitance to accept myself fully. The result: I feel like an emotional basketcase.

Enter the Living Word of God – Hebrews 1:11. The heavens and the earth will perish. But the Lord remains. If the Lord remains, does the Lord grieve the passing of the heavens and the earth? Afterall, He created it all. Does His heart become sad when it all comes to an end? Did Jesus show grief (He, being the most tangible expression of God that we have)? I am surprised at the answer. Yes. Jesus grieved. He wept. He wept over the passing of his friend Lazarus. He wept at the thought of the destruction of Jerusalem. God felt grief. God feels grief.

What a thought.

Usually, I do not associate God with grief and sadness. I think of Him as the God of joy, happiness and celebration. And I realize that ultimately, joy will be greater than the grief of a world passing away. But it comforts me to think that my God is an emotional God. He feels the whole spectrum of emotions. Deeply. Probably more deeply than I can ever have the capacity to feel. And I feel because I am made in His image – the image of an emotional God.

Which leads me to think that perhaps I should let Him lead me to those dark and hidden places, those places I’m afraid of going to because it might get too emotional.

Around the same time as this discovery, I started reading “Emotionally Healthy Spirituality.” In it, the author points out that many of us have grown up spiritually but we’re so immature emotionally that our churches are made up of shallow connections. We know all these things about Jesus but our hearts are far from being transformed by Him.

I’m learning that very few people actually live from their heart. Very few live connected with their soul. And those few who do the difficult work, who stare their junk in the face, who get counsel, who let Jesus into all of the rooms in their soul that no one ever goes in, they make a difference. They are so different; they’re coming from such a different place that their voices inevitably get heard above the others. They are pursuing wholeness and shalom, and it’s contagious. They inspire me to keep going.

~ from “Velvet Elvis” by Ron Bell

I want to be emotionally whole. It might mean feeling like a basketcase for a while yet, but I want to let Jesus transform me. Completely.

Open up, ancient gates!
Open up, ancient doors,
and let the King of glory enter.
~Psalm 24:7~

SIGNPOST

I read a quote recently from John Townsend’s book Hiding From Love that gave me some encouraging perspective in the face of moving away from my friends and loved ones. I meant to post this earlier but I haven’t had a chance to until now. [Side note: I’ve arrived here safe and I’m dealing with the jet-lag full force]

The extent to which we attach deeply to God and others is the extent to which we leave something behind in people’s hearts. If we allow ourselves to matter to others, and they to us, we’ll miss them and they’ll miss us. The feelings of loss are like a signpost: “Love was here.”

This ache in my heart is therefore a gift from God.

“There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven.”
~Ecclesiastes 3:1~

TWO GOATS

Last week, I heard one of the best explanations of the gospel. Mark Driscoll (pastor of Mars Hill church in Seattle) spoke about the double nature of what Christ accomplished for us at the cross. He related it back to the old testament Day of Atonement, which was the bloodiest day of the Jewish year.

[As a side note, he explained why he thought God used blood as a symbol for sin. He said that the way we recoil and are disturbed when we see lots of blood is probably similar to God’s reaction when He sees sin. So God relates blood to sin so that we can have a better idea of how horrendous sin is in His sight.]

So on the Day of Atonement, there were two goats. The first was the goat of sacrifice. The second, the scapegoat. The goat of sacrifice was led into the temple and the priest would lay his hand on the goat’s head, pronouncing all the sins of the people for that year. He would then lift the goat’s head and slit his throat, sending blood everywhere and ultimately, killing the goat. This first goat represented the payment for the people’s sins. In Jesus’ death, we understand that His blood paid the ultimate price for our sins. Because of Christ, God would consider our debt to Him paid. This concept, Mark Driscoll explained, is called propitiation.

The second goat (the luckier one, I think), was sent by the priest into the wilderness to wander. This was the scapegoat. The scapegoat represented the second element of redemption; an element that we often forget, or perhaps the enemy wants us to forget. The scapegoat represented the truth that once the sins were forgiven, God remembered them no more. Our slate is clean! We are counted righteous. In Revelation, we will all wear white. This concept is called expiation.

The beauty of the gospel is that in Christ’s death, we receive both effects. Our sins are paid for and God considers us clean. Understanding this brought me so much joy! Mark Driscoll gave an example of a woman who has been abused. We cannot simply tell her to confess her sins because Jesus paid for them. She has been sinned against. The good news of Jesus is that His death cleanses her even from the sins others have done to her. She is made whole. Entirely whole. What hope we have in Jesus Christ!!

I know a place, a wonderful place
Where accused and condemed find mercy and grace
Where the wrongs we have done
And the wrongs done to us
Were nailed there with Him, there on the cross.
At the cross, He paid for my sin
At the cross, He gave us life again.

If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.
~1 John 1:9~

NO IDEA

A prayer by Thomas Merton.

My Lord God,

I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following Your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.

But I believe that the desire to please You does in fact please You. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this You will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it.

Therefore, will I trust You always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, You are ever with me, and You will never leave me to face my perils alone.

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.
~ Romans 8:28 ~

STILL HERE

i know i’ve kinda fallen off the blogworld lately. blame it on a job that requires me to be staring at a computer all day, no internet at home, going to Panama and yes, being in a courtship. :)

two very unrelated thoughts to post today…

1. i heard a cool analogy about sin this past week. imagine two guys flying a plane. the pilot looks down and sees a scorpion on his leg. he looks over at his co-pilot and asks, “what do you think i should do?” the co-pilot says, “put on your oxygen mask and let’s fly as high as we can. sooner or later, the scorpion will suffocate and fall off your leg.” sin is like that scorpion. the higher we fly and the nearer we draw to God, the more likely it will suffocate and fall off.

2. i don’t tend to post things like this, but just for fun:

You Are An INFJ

The Protector You live your life with integrity, originality, vision, and creativity.Independent and stubborn, you rarely stray from your vision – no matter what it is.You are an excellent listener, with almost infinite patience.You have complex, deep feelings, and you take great care to express them. You would make a great photographer, alternative medicine guru, or teacher.

alternative medicine guru, eh? hm. i suppose telling people about Jesus could count as alternative medicine… ;p

Submit yourselves, then, to God.

Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.
~James 4:7~

I, A THIEF(!)

I had a most interesting dream yesterday. In my dream, I robbed a house along with somebody else. I don’t know who that other person was, I only know I left that house with a black duffle bag containing stolen goods. I don’t know what goods were in the bag, I only know they were valuable and I would be in big trouble if it was found out that I had stolen them. Anyway, this other person and I somehow got into an elevator to make our escape. The elevator was packed with people. Suddenly, the elevator lurched and began to fly out of the shaft. I tried to conceal my panic.

The elevator took us to this spacious looking complex. Rumour had it that it was some sort of government screening centre and a jail. I was horrified. What if they discovered my bag of stolen goods?! Thankfully, I discovered that there was a long winding line-up (it was a government centre, what was I to expect?) and there were lots of corners to turn. I nonchalantly dropped my bag in a corner somewhere, hoping no one would notice. Everyone around me was carrying luggage too, but I was so worried about being found out that it didn’t matter.

Finally, I got to the front of the line. It turned out that the workers were really nice and they weren’t looking to put people in jail. We had a pleasant chat and they showed me around the building. The whole time though, I was half expecting someone to come running up to me with the bag I had dropped and ask me if it was mine. I expected to get busted. But I was fully accepted there and I couldn’t shake the feelings of guilt and shame of what I had hidden. I wasn’t free to enjoy the grounds or the company.

After I woke up, I asked the Lord what He wanted to teach me from this. As I lay there, He let me see that in everybody else’s luggage, they also had stolen goods!

Recently, I’ve been reading “Hiding From Love” by John Townsend. In it, he talks about how a healthy maturing process includes accepting the bad parts along with the good parts of oneself. As I read, God revealed to me that this is an area I haven’t matured in. My perfectionism and performance-drivenness stem from my refusal to accept the bad parts of myself and my coping mechanism is trying to hide my mistakes, failures and sins. In light of this, my dream was another way of God saying to me that I don’t need to be ashamed of my bag full of stolen goods, that everybody has them and that Jesus already paid for them.

My head understands forgiveness, but my heart is only just beginning to.

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
~1 John 4:18~

OH HOW WONDERFUL

i’ve been thinking about heaven recently. about my life here on earth in relation to heaven. about my 70 or 80 years and how they are really just a speck of time and yet God allows me those years so that i can make a difference in eternity. so i’ve been asking myself whether every aspect of my life is being impacted by this awareness. and evaluating, will this (whatever it is) last into eternity?

i’ve also been thinking about how i’m about to move yet again. and how i anticipate that i’ll be flying at least 11 times this year and spending time in at least 6 cities in 3 parts of the world before the year 2007 is over. it’s a lot of travelling. mind you, i’m aware that there are plenty of other people in the world who travel a lot more than i do. but for a homebody, it’s a lot.

i don’t think i mind the travelling part as much as i dislike the emotional impact of it all. it’s like everytime i get somewhere, i start building friendships and connecting with people and then i have to leave and uproot my heart. i kinda feel like the more places i go, the more bits and pieces of my heart are left all over the world.

which brings me back to heaven. i really look forward to being in a place where everybody is around all the time and it’ll be forever! no more packing, no more goodbyes, no more trying to squeeze in appointments with people… how wonderful it will be!

Oh how wonderful, oh how marvellous,
and my song shall ever be,
Oh how wonderful, oh how marvellous
is my Saviour’s love for me!
-from a hymn

I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”
~Revelation 21:2-4~

BEING HUMAN

it seems to me that one of the reasons why God brought me back to Canada at this time is to teach me (re-teach me?) what it means to be human. from things like eating properly – not just what kinds of foods, mind you, i mean the actual act of eating properly (ie, chewing 20 times before i swallow) – to breathing every day (ie, not just shallow breathing, but deep inhaling/exhaling), God is reminding me that i need to live well and not neglect the basics.

i’m not sure what the spiritual implications of these lessons are… perhaps that my body, frail as it is, is God’s temple? but somehow i feel like i’m a toddler again. and it’s nice to know that in God’s eyes, there are things i’ll never outgrow. :)

Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honour God with your body.
~1 Cor 6:19-20~

TRUST

Olive, have you ever had acupuncture before?

looking at my naturopathic doctor, i emphatically shake my head, NO!

she looks at me, are you scared?

i emphatically nod my head, YES!

do you trust me?

how could i not trust her? we’ve grown up together.

so ten minutes later, i’m lying on my back with needles poking out from various points of my body. unexpected and weird, to be sure. but thankfully, not painful.

my first experience with acupuncture. and that was only a number of days ago. but as i was lying there, i got to thinking about her question, do you trust me? and i thought about how important it is to have trust. it’s not only important in things like acupuncture where someone else is inserting needles into your body, but it’s also important in friendships, where you have to take risks in opening yourself up to another. trust is also a key thing when it comes to our relationship with God. will i trust Him with where He’s taking me? will i trust Him with what He’s asking me to do? sometimes, the experiences He brings me through feel as awkward and odd as having needles poking out of my skin, but despite what i see, will i trust Him?

that, i guess, is what faith is all about.

But when I am afraid, I will trust in You.
~Psalm 56:3~