When Tim proposed to me, he had no idea he was signing up to live with a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP). I didn’t even know I was an HSP. We were both aware that I was more sensitive than your average person. I was sensitive emotionally, yes. But I was also sensitive to my physical surroundings. Certain places would be too loud, or too bright. Most perfumes and colognes would give me headaches. I would notice the slightest changes in my environment.
I used to understand myself as a pretty extreme introvert. But two years ago, I learned that my behaviours and tendencies are due to more than that. Shortly before Allie was born, my friend sent me a copy of Dr. Elaine Aron’s book The Highly Sensitive Person (affiliate link). At first, I wasn’t sure how well I would relate to the book, but then I read its subtitle: “How To Thrive When the World Overwhelms You.” That was me!
According to Dr. Elaine Aron, “[T]he Highly Sensitive Person has a sensitive nervous system, is aware of subtleties in his/her surroundings, and is more easily overwhelmed when in a highly stimulating environment.” HSPs can be either introverted or extroverted, as those ways of describing personality refer to where a person gets his/her energy from. HSPs simply expend more energy in processing their environments.
Over the last four plus years, Tim has had to learn how to live with this Highly Sensitive Person. Here are some of the ways he’s had to adjust to me (i.e. here are some of my quirks, I mean, qualities):
I hear sounds louder than most people. This means I can hear conversations that are happening on the other side of the house. I’m aware of the refrigerator humming in the background. It also means having the radio on while I’m driving is too distracting. It explains why I retreat to the relative quiet of the bathroom when I’m in a noisy restaurant or at a party. Tim has learned that it’s really easy to startle me and that planning a surprise for me is pretty darn difficult (because I hear everything). Since my own voice sounds loud to me, we’re also working on getting me to speak louder so that others can hear me.
I feel textures more acutely. I realized the other day that when I wear clothes that are tighter, scratchy, or in the least bit uncomfortable, I unconsciously expend energy noticing it. The moment I change into my sweats or pajamas, it’s like my battery suddenly recharges. After I explained this to Tim, he said, “Oh, no wonder you change the minute you get home!” I feel bad for him sometimes that his wife doesn’t dress up more. There was also the time we put our bed sheets on inside-out by accident and I couldn’t fall asleep until we’d remade the bed the right way. Tim thought I was a bit crazy, but it just didn’t feel right and I couldn’t fully relax.
My sense of smell is quite strong. Tim used to wear a light cologne but early on in our marriage, I told him it gave me a headache. There is only one perfume that I’ve found to be agreeable with me – and I even have to use that sparingly.
I get overstimulated easily. I disliked this about myself when I was a young adult, but I have to be very selective about what movies I watch. This means that Tim’s selection of movies when we’re watching them together is pretty narrow. He’s realized that sometimes he has watch some movies on his own without waiting for me because I can’t handle the action, suspense or violence. He’s also learned that although I may seem quiet on the outside, my inner world is quite loud. The Christmas right after Allie was born, he bought me a comfy reclining chair so that I could have a quiet corner in our room to sit in and journal when the internal noise is too chaotic.
It’s not that I don’t like people when I decline to go somewhere. The world often feels noisy and crowded to me. Since my priorities are taking care of my family and writing, I spend most of my energy there. Sometimes it means that although I’d love to attend an event, I know I don’t have the energy it will take to be sociable. Tim has had to attend more events on his own than either of us would prefer.
It takes physical energy to process all the stimulus. Which is why I eat often and sleep lots. Tim looks out for me by reminding me to rest and by bringing food with us wherever we go.
I don’t do well in high pressure situations. If I feel rushed, I start getting flustered and frustrated. We have learned to give ourselves more than enough time to get ready if we’re heading out the door. And to give me time to process things and not pressure me to give an immediate answer.
I often feel like a wimp. But I’m learning to see my sensitivity as a strength. I realize this is part of the give and take of life: I am perceptive, observant and thoughtful, but it comes at a (mostly social) cost. Sometimes I wonder how Tim puts up with all my sensitivities, but most of the time, I’m just grateful that he is the gentle, considerate guy that he is. Living with a Highly Sensitive Person is not easy, but the upside is that he gets a thoughtful and attentive spouse. …At least that’s what I think he’d say!
You may also be interested in other books by the author of The Highly Sensitive Person, Elaine Aron:
Update! Check out this very intriguing new book on HSPs. The author has compiled 43 uplifting success stories, submitted from highly sensitive people from 10 different countries. One review says that this book contains “fascinating and inspiring success stories from the global HSP community that will help sensitive people lead a peaceful, confident, and joyous life.”
